5 Ways To Make Your Marriage Better

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Marriage Reality

When I got married, I thought the world would always be right. I didn’t foresee any troubles and imaginged the rest of my marriage would be filled with hearts and flowers. Sure, other people had trouble in their marriage, but that wouldn’t happen to us. I mean, we were in love, for goodness sake. But then reality set in. Frustrations ushered in irritations and that weakened our “love conquers all” mentality. 

As Christians we realize we are called to honor the covenant we made when we married. But sometimes it’s difficult to focus on honoring the commitment when we just want to scream in frustration. Other times, marriage is just fine. It’s not bad, but it’s certainly not hearts and flowers. The day to day busyness takes over and we become ships in the night. 

Whether you are in a joyful season, a busy season, a frustrating season, or another season entirely, if you’re a Christian it’s important to remember that marriage is a sacred covenant and needs to be nurtured to remain vibrant.

Introduction

Christian marriage is a gift from God (Matthew 19:6). God intended the Christian marriage to reflect the relationship of God with the church (see here for more about that). For that reason, it’s important to nurture it. 

This article will explore practical tips and advice for strengthening a Christian marriage

Prioritize God

For Yourself

When we put God first in our lives, we are actually allowing Him to take control. And since we should be trusting His plan for us, then entrusting our lives, including our marriage, to Him is key to our success. He truly has our best interests at heart, even in our marriage. One way we put God first is to give Him our firstfruits. Just as farmers were told to offer their offering from the first of the harvest or the best animal, we are called to offer the first and/or best of what we have and return it to Him. For many of us that means committing time with God in the morning – first thing. I know that doesn’t work for some, they’re just wired to be at their best at night. For those people, time with God to study and pray happens best at night. That’s when they can offer God the best of themselves. Whichever it is, commit part of your day, the best part, to God. Then move on to these suggestions for putting God first in your marriage. 

In your marriage

There are several things you can do to dedicate your marriage to God and prioritize Him in your marriage. Praying together is a great habit. I know it can be awkward. Not everyone wants to pray aloud. But give it a try. Even if one of you prays and the other listens. If that’s your system, I encourage you to have the other pray at times, too. If it helps, get a book of prayers and take turns reading them. In time, praying spontaneously may become easier. 

Attending church together is another way to put God first. The Sabbath was made for God’s people and one way we show appreciation for it is to attend church on Sunday mornings (or Saturday, if that’s what your denomination chooses). Taking time to worship together and hear a message you can discuss later brings you together in a clear way that’s focused on God. 

Finally, reading or studying the Bible together is a very practical activity to keep God first in your marriage. Pray first that God will speak to each of you through His word. Then pick a favorite book (my favorites are: Esther, Luke, & Philippians). Simply reading the Bible can focus your attention where it needs to be – on God. You’ll find you discuss what you read and begin to live out the life outlined in Scripture. Note, don’t focus on some arbitrary “rule” for how much to read at a time. Read a bit and talk about it. If you read it more or less than planned it’s okay. The reading is the important part.

Communicate Effectively

As a professor and speaker about successful communication, this point is near and dear to my heart.

• James 1:19 tells us that everyone should be quick to listen and slow to speak.  Proverbs, too, has much to say about communication…
• We learn it is better to “dwell in the corner of a housetop than in a house shared with a contentious woman” (Proverbs 25:24 NKJV) and
• “whoever guards his mouth and tongue keeps his soul from troubles” (Proverbs 21:23 NKJV).
• Finally, Ephesians 4:29 NIV tells us “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.

How to Live the Verses

As we can see, verses about communication abound in the Bible. First and foremost we should listen more than we talk. This is key. When we listen we begin to understand the heart of our spouse. When we know his/her heart we can better live a life that accounts for their experiences and feelings. It’s easier to put someone else first when we understand their needs. We only understand those needs from good listening. Yet no one wants to listen to someone who is argumentative and quarreling all the time. Especially as women, we need to cease and desist with picking fights about every little thing. When we guard our words, choose them wisely and resist negative fighting words, we keep our souls and our marriages from trouble. Furthermore, our words should lift people up, not tear them down. I argue this is most important in our marriage. Our spouse is the one we committed our lives to, so this person should be the most important person in our lives. That means we should want them to feel good about themselves! We help that along by saying kind words and lifting them up.

Show Love and Respect

As Christ loves the Church

Emerson Eggerichs (author and marriage expert) has several books in the Love and Respect series  based on the Ephehsias concepts of love and respect. These books are based on Ephesians 5:22 and 25 “Wives, submit to your own usbands, as to they Lord…Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her.” When wives show respect and husbands show love they are living out the plan for marriage as Christ and the Church are “married” together. 

The key idea is that to have a marriage that mimics the relationship Christ has with the Church, women need love and men need respect. Yes, each needs both, but Scripture tells us that these are the primary needs for women and men. When we can live out these principles we are prioritizing what the other needs in marriage and thus building a Biblically successful marriage. 

Get Creative

Your marriage probably has its own ideas of how to show love and respect. If you aren’t sure how to show love, check out this qiuz about love languages. Here are some concrete ideas for how to show love. When we show respect we are being kind, lifting the person up (speaking kindly to them and avoiding badmouthing them to others), and doing nice things for the person. Every husband wants to be a hero – let your husband know that he is yours! 

Work Through Conflict

Conflict happens in every relationship. And handled correctly, conflict can actually build healthy relationships.

The key is to TELL:

• Think about what’s wrong and an ideal solution
• Encourage your spouse to talk openly
• Listen to what he/she has to say
• Let him/her know what is important for you. The topic of working through conflict is a deep one, so this is a good start. Communicate and listen  with love.

Remember 1 Corinthians 13 during conflict, let it be your guide, and you’ll be well on your way to letting conflict help shape a healthy marriage. 

Cultivate Intimacy

In the Bedroom

Physical intimacy is so important in any marriage. Regardless of your experiences before marriage, the marriage bed is a sacred place. It’s a place where we can show love in a way that we only experience with our spouse. No one else in our life gets this kind of communication. 

Taking time to really connect is crucial. I can’t overstate the importance. Paul tells us to only abstain by mutual agreement and “for a time” (1 Corinthians 7:5). My friend swears that every other night works for her marriage. My husband has odd hours, so we need to be creative sometimes about our intimate time. But we prioritize it and make sure that we dedicate some “alone time” and don’t let other events get in the way of it. This way of connecting with our spouse is so unique and important. While it might be strange to think about God and sex, God ordained it and made it a special act for married couples. Make time for it and enjoy it! 

And Out of the Bedroom

The good news is that intimacy also moves beyond the bedroom. When we take an interest in our spouse, his or her hobbies and current events, we are demonstrating an intimate interest in them. Take time to encourage your spouse in what they are doing. When we hold hands and cuddle, we are being intimate. Kissing is a very intimate act – shoot for a good 2 minute kiss! Turn the stove off, silence your phone, and let your kids know they will have to wait. Then lock lips! 

Conclusion

There are many ways to have a successful marriage. In fact, my entire business is dedicated to teaching others how to live as a successful family. This article focused on five key elements: prioritizing God, communicating effectively, showing love and respect, working through conflict, and cultivating intimacy. 

When we work to consistently apply the skills discussed here, and we take time to let our spouse know we want to have the best marriage possible,  we can see our marriage strengthening more every day. 

Those tough seasons will still sweep in but with these skills you’ll be equipped to navigate the season with a strong marriage intact. 

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With love,

🌸 Andrea

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