How I learned to live with depression & anxiety

My story of depression & anxiety

Please let me begin by saying that if you are having thoughts of suicide, if you think the world would be better off without you, GET HELP IMMEDIATELY. Call 988 from your cell phone. This is no small issue. Even if you tell yourself it’s normal or that everything is fine, it’s not. If depression & anxiety rule your life and you think it’s not worth living, you’re wrong. You’re worth it. Get help today.

The clouds closed in yet again. The entire world felt grey and thick. Nothing mattered – not hobbies or friends or family. I felt like a wet wool blanket covered me and my life. I just didn’t care.

When I did manage to fight my way out of the blanket, I was filled with a racing heart and general fear. Nothing specific. Nothing was “wrong” with my life. Just me. I was overcome with irrational anxiety about everything. Even doing the simplest tasks were even more difficult by crippling anxiety.

And then…

After many dark years I did get professional help. The doctor prescribed an antidepressant that include an anti-anxiety medication. I saw a therapist and she gave me coping skills for the anxiety. We walked through my circumstances and she equipped me with resources.

I stopped therapy when she declared I was fine on my own. Eventually I weaned off the antidepressants.

And the depression & anxiety hit again. Like a horrible tag-team, I couldn’t escape them. They always came together. Back on medicine I went. I still had the skills the therapist taught me and I worked to use them.

Depression & anxiety were an albatross around my neck. I couldn’t escape them no matter what happened. And no one really understood. I felt so alone. I was sick of well-meaning friends and blogs who implied that if I read my Bible more or trusted God more the depression & anxiety would go away. They implied that since God did not give me a spirit of fear (2 Timothy 1:7) I needed to fight the enemy harder. These negative feelings didn’t come from God.

Others suffer, too

And I believe that. I believe that God did not give me depression & anxiety. And I believe that the effects of it break His heart. Yet I also know for a fact that while He could miraculously heal me, He’s chosen not to. Learning to live with that has taken its own process of healing. Yet there are examples of Bible greats who also had to live with affliction:

• Job had to live with pain for a long time. Yes, he was restored but that doesn’t diminish the length of time he had to endure intense pain and loss.
• Paul had a thorn in his flesh that God specifically chose NOT to heal. We don’t know exactly what the thorn was, but we know it was painful and he had to suffer daily through it.
• Bathsheba had to live forever with the loss of her son. After David brought her to the palace and slept with her while she was still married to someone else, she got pregnant. After lots of deception, a son was born and died. Whether or not Bathsheba was a willing participant (I mean, he was king, after all), losing a child is a terrible affliction one never escapes.

Realizing that I’m truly not alone, that enduring suffering has been part of life for as long as we have records helps me. I know that if others can survive, so can I.

Healing from depression & anxiety

Now is the time that I tell you I’m not a counselor, therapist, or medical professional. My story is just that – my story. I hope parts of it can be helpful for you. If you need help, get it. Not sure how to find a counselor? Find one here.

Four steps

So what did I do to help while I live with depression & anxiety?

• I remind myself daily that my depression & anxiety do not define me. I am so much more than these two negative experiences. Sometimes I have to tell myself this multiple times a day. It’s worth it. I am a child of God, wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, author, speaker, Bible study leader, and more. You are, too.
• I tell myself every day that I can be a good wife and mother. My depression & anxiety do not have to make me disconnect from my spouse and children. I must force myself to engage, even when I’d rather hide. I have to ask my son and husband questions about their day and act as interested as I possibly can.
• Trust God. I may not always understand what He is doing and why I must endure, but I do. That’s all that matters. And He brings me comfort all the time, especially during the worst mental health days. I repeat Scriptures that talk about comfort and write them down. I keep them handy so I can repeat them throughout the day.
• Be like Nike and just do it. Life still goes on. I wish I could hide under the covers when depression & anxiety hit, but I can’t. I have an entire farm, dogs, husband, and kids who need me. This reality means some days I have to just put on my big girl panties and do what needs to be done. I need to make the phone calls, send the emails, grade the papers, encourage my husband and kids, call my mom. I do what needs to be done. Some days I do less than others and I spend more time reading than being productive. But this step is probably the biggest step I take to successfully living with depression & anxiety.

You can too

So that’s it. I know it all seems pretty simple, but when you are buried under the weight of depression & anxiety there’s no substitute for simple. Knowing that I’m more than my mental health issues, having confidence that I can be a good wife/mother, trusting God, and just doing what needs to be done all get me through one day, and then another. Before I know it, I’m living with depression & anxiety, but not ruled by them. They no longer govern who I am as a person or what my days look like.

I have every faith that you can do this, too. You can move beyond these feelings to uncover who you are in Christ. I promise that you can be a great wife/mother. You are important and loved and needed in this world.

I’ll be praying for you, Friend.

🌸 Andrea

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