The Power of Listening

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Listening Examples

Which of the following demonstrates listening?

Scenario 1: I tell my husband about something that happened at work. He is on his phone, watching YouTube videos. He doesn’t say anything while I talk. I assume he’s not really listening. Yet when I’m done he asks good questions that indicates he really was paying attention.

Scenario 2: My husband starts talking about his night at work. I put my phone down and look at him. I say “uh huh” and “oh?” at all the right places. Then I ask questions to follow up.

Which one of us was listening?

Yup, both of us.

Listening in relationships

When we stop paying attention in our relationships, communication breaks down, leading to a host of problems such as misunderstandings, feelings of neglect, and emotional distance. Without listening, we may miss important cues that indicate our partner’s needs and desires, leading to a lack of empathy and the breakdown of trust.

Relationships thrive on mutual respect and understanding, both of which are cultivated through attentive listening. Neglecting this critical aspect of relationships can ultimately lead to conflict, resentment, and in some cases, the end of the relationship.

Listening vs hearing

Hearing is physiological. Most of us have working anatomy that enables sound to enter our ear and our brain makes sense of the sounds.

Listening is when we process what we hear. This happens in our brain. It’s a cognitive process that requires us to pay attention and be involved.

We can hear without listening but can’t listen very well without hearing. (Yes, there are exceptions for hearing impaired and nonverbal communication.)

Types of listening

Believe it or not, there are several different types of listening. They include:

• Appreciative – this is when we listen to something because we enjoy it. Music and poetry are two good examples
• Discriminative or discerning – this is when we listen to discriminate sounds. When you hear a bump in the night you use this type of listening to determine what caused the sound.
• Empathetic – we do this when we listen with the intention of putting ourself in the other person’s shoes.
• Listening to comprehend – this type of listening occurs when we want to understand something being explained to us. If I were talking about this content, you would likely be using this type of listening.
• Critical – this type of listening happens when we are trying to analyze the message being shared with us. We should be using this a lot during presidential election season.
• Supportive – this is when we listen with the goal of providing comfort. We listen this way when a friend calls us after a rough day and we want hiem to know we care.
• Pseudolistening – this is when we pretend to listen by nodding our heads, looking at the speaker, and smiling at all the right times but we are not really paying attention. In this case we are hearing but not listening.

A two-way process

While it sounds like listening is just one person speaking to someone else, it requires “two to tango.” Yes, one person is talking and the other is listening, but believe it or not, the speaker is listening too. She is watching the other person for sounds of understanding and closely watching nonverbal communication.

When one person is done it’s the next person’s turn. The switch tasks and one speaks mostly while the other listens mostly.

In well balanced relationships we spend time doing each behavior – talking and listening. Yes, in life we should spend more time listening but the reality is in our relationships we want a balance between the two.

Benefits of listening

1. Builds trust and understanding – when we listen to understand someone’s feelings and experiences, we learn more about them. As we keep their confidences we build trust. That trust forms the foundation of a long-term relationship.
2. Improves communication and reduces misunderstandings – communication is founded on solid listening skills. When we really pay attention and try to understand where the other person is coming from we reduce misunderstandings.
3. Strengthens emotional connections – by drawing closer to each other. When we listen well we also listen for emotions. When we share our emotions we build a bond between each other that is lasting.
4. Fosters empathy and compassion – when we listen well we can see the world through someone else’s eyes and have compassion for their situation. That compassion helps us to treat the other person well as we understand how difficult life can be for them.

Common barriers

There are several listening barriers for all of us.

Distractions and lack of focus are the first barrier. When we are distracted by life or other things going on around us we miss key information. We are also telling the other person that what they have to say isn’t important to us. Eek! We certainly don’t mean to do that. But it happens. I’ll tell you how to avoid this in just a few minutes.

Preconceived notions and judgments also keep us from listening well. When we think we know how the person feels, or what they are going to say, we stop listening. It’s that simple. And when we stop listening we put up a wall between us and the speaker. Don’t assume – you know what that does to people.

Poor communication skills are a final barrier to successful listening skills. If you follow along here at DrAndreaTowersScott.com then you are learning skills regularly so I’m hopeful this isn’t an issue for you. Do what you can to learn solid speaking and listening skills to communicate more clearly. This article is a good step.

Strategies

There are several steps you can take to become a better listener.
A. Practice active listening – When we engage in active listening we are truly paying attention to the other person. We suspend our own ideas and need to talk in favor of giving the other person time to share. We listen for emotions and main ideas. Pay attention to what they are saying as well as what they may not be saying. In a perfect world we paraphrase what they said to show we understand. Something like, “it sounds like you were super frustrated when he said that” is sufficient. Just show you care and were paying attention. This gets easier as you practice.

B. Show empathy and validate feelings – make comments that show you understand his/her experience. “I think I would have freaked out if that happened to me” shows you have some understanding of what she is talking about. Something like, “so you were excited when she told you that?” shows you are paying attention to feelings.

C. Avoid interrupting and listen without judgment – this one can be tough! Try to avoid interrupting. You can make listening sounds (uh huh, really, what happened next, etc.) but avoid hijacking the conversation and turning it back to you. Focus your comments on what he/she is saying. Listening without judgment means letting the other person have their own experiences. You don’t have to agree to listen with empathy.

D. Provide feedback and ask clarifying questions – I generally ask if someone wants my opinion before I offer it. The only exception is when they open with telling me they want my opinion. The fact is, not everyone wants to know what you think. And that’s totally okay! Asking questions is always a good way to let the person know you are listening. Not sure what questions to ask? You can ask clarifying questions. You can always focus on the 5Ws and an H – who, what, where, why, when, and how.

To wrap up…

Listening plays a pivotal role in the health and strength of relationships. Embracing active listening in everyday conversations can significantly improve understanding and connection with others. It is essential to prioritize listening as a key component of building and maintaining strong relationships.

With love,

🌸 Andrea

Resources:

Want to learn more about some of these topics?

Emotions can be tricky. In this book and Bible study Jennie Allen helps you discover that emotions that are submitted to God and used for the purposes God intends connect us to each other and to Him.

In Learning to Disagree the author reveals the surprising path to learning how to disagree in ways that build new bridges with our neighbors, coworkers, and loved ones–and help us find better ways to live joyfully in a complex society.

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