Why You Need to Ask Clarifying Questions in Conversations

Introduction

When we learn to ask clarifying questions we can decrease misunderstandings. 

Clarifying questions are those that confirm your understanding. 

When we say something like, “did you mean to say that I’m bad at keeping house?” we are letting the other person know what we heard. When we ask clarifying questions we give the other person the opportunity to set things straight and rephrase what they are trying to say.

Interpersonal skill directly affects successful relationships. Effective communication is a primary part of developing interpersonal skills. 

Misunderstandings

Misunderstandings in communication are very common. Everyone was brought up in different households (even siblings have different experiences of childhood, based in part by birth order). We have a misunderstanding when Person A says one thing and Person B hears something completely different. 

There is power in asking clarifying questions. When we confirm what the person meant, we can powerfully create understandings instead of misunderstandings. 

The communication advantage of asking clarifying questions is communication improvement, resulting in more successful relationships. 

The Role of Questions in Communication

Types of questions

There are several types of questions we can ask.

• Open-ended questions: Think of these like short answer or essay questions. We ask a question that can’t be answered with yes/no or other single-word answers. For instance, if my husband comes home a bit cranky from work, my first inclination is to think I did something wrong. I can ask an open-ended question with something like, “What was the best part of your day today?” If I ask that, I’m trying to get him to remember the good parts and take his mind off something that went wrong between work and home. If I simply ask, “How was your day?” I’ll get a one-word answer (“fine”).  If my son is telling a story about school, I can ask, “What happened next?” to get him to keep talking.
• Probing questions dig deep. They encourage the person to think about the question. They require focus and cognitive energy. At their core, they are another type of open-ended question. If I’m talking with my son after school, I can ask, “How did it go with (name a person he’s had trouble with lately) at school today?” 

Productive conversations

We can have productive conversations that solve problems, create intimacy, and equip us to reach our goals when we are using specific communication strategies…those like asking clarifying questions. 

The Benefits of Asking Clarifying Questions

1. Improved understanding – we know what the other person is thinking/feeling
2. Avoiding misunderstandings – we can prevent disagreements and being upset
3. Enhanced listening skills – we grow our ability to really tune in to what our loved ones are saying
4. Reflections on the conversation – we have more information to reflect on later and really grow our relationship by understanding the other person better
5. Improved verbal and visual communication – by really paying attention we are growing our interpersonal and communication skill

The Art of Asking Clarifying Questions

Active listening

This is a key to most successful communication. When we engage in active listening we are listening to really understand the other person. We set aside our own needs and desires to focus on his/her needs and desires. We really want to know what the person is thinking and feeling. If needed, make a note of your own concerns for later so you can focus on really listening to the other person.

Choosing the right questions

As we’ve established, questions are important. The best ones relate to what the other person has been saying. Clarifying questions confirm what the person is thinking to be sure you are on the same page. If my husband is talking about work and I ask, “Did I tell you about what Ann said?” I’m  not asking the right question. 

Timing of questions

Timing is everything. Wait for a pause to ask your questions. Let the person talk a while and try to understand without asking questions yet. When there’s a break, ask ONE question to clarify your understanding (“How did that make you feel?” or “Why was that important?”) and let them answer. Don’t bombard them with questions. 

Avoiding assumptions

Seriously. Just don’t do it. Don’t make assumptions. Love always trusts. Don’t jump to conclusions.  If your son gets in the car with attitude, ask about his day. When your daughter asks a question, don’t assume she’s doing something wrong. If your spouse asks what you’re doing tomorrow, don’t assume he’s going to add work to your day. And remember that we can make assumptions based on nonverbals, too, so be careful what you assume about someone’s facial expressions! Ask clarifying questions (“you look upset, is there something I can do to help?”) instead of making assumptions.

Conclusion

There are many communication benefits by asking clarifying questions. Recap of the importance of asking clarifying questions. Remember that clarifying questions can help us improve understanding, avoid misunderstandings, enhance our listening skills, give us an opportunity to reflect on the conversation, and improve both our verbal and visual communication.

Effective communication techniques don’t have to be difficult – it just requires a bit of effective questioning. 

Continue to practice asking clarifying questions in conversations. You can do this in any relationship – spouse, kids, parents, siblings, or work! Listen closely and find one question you can ask to clarify your understanding and add to your bank of communication tools for relationship success. 

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What is one goal you hope for when asking clarifying questions in your family? Let us know in the chat. 

With love,

🌸 Andrea

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