The Power of Communication

We were very young when we all learned the power of communication. We cried and a parent came running. As we grew, we learned that saying certain things yielded different responses. Our words have a powerful impact on those around us. 

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James 3:5, 8-10 (NKJV) tells us that “even so the tongue is a little member (of the body) and boasts great things. See how great a forest a little fire kindles. . . . No man can tame the tongue. It is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison. With it we bless our God and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in the similitude (image) of God. Out of the same mouth proceed blessing and cursing.”

So we can speak love and hate out of the same mouth (and heart). We must choose whether we will say a blessing or a curse.

How We Say Things

For instance, if I demanded dinner from my mother I might have received a spanking or time out. However, if I asked Mom if I could help with dinner, she would have responded much more positively.

Even though we know there is a direct relationship between what we say/how we say it and the responses we get, we sometimes forget about that. We forget the power of communication. We get so preoccupied with what we want that we forget our delivery counts.

Everyone’s Got Stuff

We forget that how we make our request impacts the person’s response to us.

We also forget that people have lots of stuff going on in their lives. We have our stuff, they have their stuff. And we all expect everyone to communicate as if there is no stuff at all! This expectation sets us up for disaster every time.

What I say is filtered through my lens of experience, circumstances, and needs (my stuff). The same is true for you.

Each of us tends to know those parts of our life, even if they are hidden at times. In other words, I know what experiences I’ve had and what my needs and wants are. I know the current circumstances of my life.

When I say something to you, I don’t tell you all the levels of filtering for my comment. I just say it. If you’re a good friend, you may know lots of those layers but no one knows them all, not even our spouses. So I make my statement.

I am expecting a certain response from you–empathy, advice, maybe a direct answer. I assume you have set aside your stuff (experiences, circumstances, and needs of the moment) to focus on my statement (knowing my stuff) and attend to it appropriately.

You, on the other hand, assume that I’m taking your stuff, or filters, into account when you make your statement. I assume you know that I’ve got a lot going on in my life, too. If we neglect to address the filters the other is using (their stuff) we will almost always end up disappointed.

Let’s look at an example.

A short list of my stuff

A few years ago I had shoulder surgery so I was in pain and could do very little without help. My kids were on summer break, and I was trying to avoid using the Xbox as child care. I was perimenopausal and my husband’s work schedule was wonky.

We had just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary and my parents were aging. Finances were always challenging and I was working to prepare four classes for fall semester (that included reading books and setting up online course structure complete with assignments and schedules).

I was also in a season where most of my friends were also very busy with their families. So I understood that there was very little time to be with friends to talk through the stress in my life.

My husband has stuff too

When I talked to my husband, he may have known most of this stuff but he had his own stuff.

He was dealing with his own issues in life: medical, work-related, parenting, living far from an aging parent, more work to do on our farm than he had time for, financial responsibilities, and his own challenges connecting with friends.

When stuff collides

So if I went to him and said, “What are we going to do about the water in the boar pasture?” I would be asking through a lens of feeling overwhelmed and not physically able to solve the problem, along with all the other stuff going on in my head at that time.

He would have heard my words and if I were not careful, he may may have heard this through his stuff: “What are you going to do about the boar water situation right now?”

They may seem like minor differences, but from a communication standpoint, the difference is huge.

The Difference in Delivery

If he were not thinking about the fact that I was feeling a bit adrift and helpless at that time, and if I didn’t consider the stress in his life, then he could have interpreted my words as a demand.

If I owned my stuff, and acknowledged his stuff, then I might be more successful with something like, “Honey I know work is crazy right now and there’s more to do here than we have time or money for. The kids have way too much time on their hands right now. In this heat I’m concerned the boars aren’t getting enough fresh water. Is there some way the boys can help us fix the water situation?”

That’s a lot more words. And those words require a lot more thought. But by taking the time to say all that, we are accounting for the stuff we both have and we are pointing to seeking a productive outcome that isn’t blame-focused.

When we take time to consider the stuff of everyone involved, we are using our tongue (words) to bless others; to share love and not hate (James 3:5, 8-10).

We can see that there is great power in communication. And considering others’ situations, as well as our own, can help us use that power well.

Communication That Aligns With Expectations

There are ways to communicate that yield more positive responses–ones that are more aligned with our expectations and our needs. When we do this well, we are demonstrating the power of communication.

Scripture outlines several comments/outcomes for us that give us a good guide for how we can successfully communicate to either get, or avoid, a certain response. Often this type of communication requires that we acknowledge our filters and the filters of the other person.

Scripture sometimes presents these communication outcomes as how to communicate and other times as how NOT to communicate. We will explore those Scriptures through the concept of communication competence in coming posts.

For now, consider how you can take your stuff and your partner’s stuff into consideration next time you talk with them.

With love,

🌸 Andrea

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