How To Be A Good Mom While Depressed

Depression Story

I can remember when I first experienced depression – I was a teenager and life was just too difficult. I was a cutter, though I didn’t know there was a term for it at the time. It somehow made me feel better (by the way, it really didn’t – that belief was a lie). I had a plan to end it all*, if it got too bad. Over time my situation changed and my depression continued to ebb and flow for another decade or so.

Once I was married with two children, my depression hit again, full force. Again I had a plan to end my life* (If you feel like you want to end your life or if the world would be better without you, dial 988 from your phone today). I told my husband I needed help and immediately went to my doctor. He put me on antidepressants and I began seeing a therapist. With her help, I was able to see the light of day again and eventually come off my antidepressants. The depression has continued to come back off and on, though, so I understand what it’s like to live with long-term depression.

Have you been there? Do you struggle to be a mom while depression sucks the joy and life out of you? You’re not alone.

Introduction

Depression & Moms

Depression is not uncommon among mothers. You may feel like you are alone but you really aren’t. Roughly 10% of all adult women have experienced a major depressive episode in the last year. Even more have less severe forms of depression. Unfortunately, those who haven’t had it often don’t understand just how debilitating depression can be.

Depression Feels Like…

When we are depressed, it feels like a heavy wool blanket is smothering us. Even everyday tasks like brushing your teeth can feel like it takes monumental energy. You want nothing more than to sleep. “Faking it” to act happy sucks every bit of energy you have. You get frustrated when people ask what’s wrong, because it’s everything and nothing all at the same time. I remember many times there was nothing “wrong” with my life, but depression was pulling me into pits of despair so deep I couldn’t see the way out. These feelings make it very difficult to parent, no matter how hard we want to. We desire to be a great mom, but depression becomes a monster that gets in the way of our very best intentions.

Recognizing and addressing depression

Signs and symptoms of depression from the NIH

• Persistent sad, anxious, or “empty” mood
• Feelings of hopelessness or pessimism
• Feelings of irritability, frustration, or restlessness
• Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, or helplessness
• Loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities
• Decreased energy, fatigue, or feeling slowed down
• Difficulty concentrating, remembering, or making decisions
• Difficulty sleeping, waking early in the morning, or oversleeping
• Changes in appetite or unplanned weight changes
• Physical aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not have a clear physical cause and do not go away with treatment
• Thoughts of death or suicide or suicide attempts

The Importance of Seeking Professional Help

• I can’t overstate the importance of getting professional help. And there are lots of options! Your church is a good first step. They may have counselors on staff or be able to refer you to a good faith based Christian counselor.
  • You can also ask at your doctor’s office. They will be able to help you know where to go. Your doctor can also help if you need prescription medicine to help.
  • Focus on the Family has a number to call for help
  • You can also call your insurance company to see if they have a special mental health department for referrals.
  • No matter how you do it, get help. I promise it makes a difference

Tips for Self Care

• Self care is extremely personal, so this is just a jumping off point. The key is to do somethings that YOU love and bring you joy, even for a few minutes.
• Read a book
• Take a bubble bath
• Go for a walk outside (with or without kids)
• Get your nails done
• Read your Bible or write out some of your favorite verses
• Bake or cook (if this brings you joy, of course)
• Take a nap
• Work on a new hobby – check out Pinterest for some ideas
• Start watching a new series on tv
• Sketch, draw, write a story – do something creative, even if you think you aren’t good at it
• If none of these sound good, make a list of some things you truly enjoy doing…then choose one and do it!

Managing Daily Tasks

Prioritize responsibilities: Everything doesn’t have to be done today. Which is good news if you are depressed. Identify what MUST be done today (kids to school, dinner has to be available, etc.). Focus on those items first. Make a list of everything else and itemize it. I use an A, B, C system of importance. C items may be on my list for a long time, and that’s okay.

The importance of delegation: Please don’t believe the lie that you can do it all – you can’t. Nor should you. Begin to identifying what tasks can be done by the various members of your family. Kids can do lots of chores! My mom taught my sisters and I to do our own laundry when we were big enough to reach the dials. Mine did the same and so can yours. Until then, they can certainly fold or hang their clothes and put them away. Dishes and trash are other good child chores. Get help at home, however that happens.

Set realistic expectations: It’s true…kids and spouse won’t do the chores the way you do. But sometimes done is good. I’d rather my kids have drawers of poorly folded clothes (folded by my kids) than require me to take a half our and fold them my way. Sometimes things just won’t be done the way we want them done. But that’s okay.

Maintaining a strong support system

Communicate with family and friends: It’s important that our friends and family know what we are going through, even if they don’t understand. They can pray for us, research how to best help us, and give us direct help with our kids when we just can’t be our best for them.

Join support groups: This can be very helpful in knowing you are not alone. Here’s a source for finding a group near you. You just might find the help you need in sharing your experiences with others who truly understand what you are going through.

The role of therapy: I said it before, and I’ll keep saying it – therapy is very important to understanding what you’re going through and developing skills to help your situation. If you’re worried about having to has through you rentire childhood, find someone who focuses on the immediate problem. My therapist helped me where I was at, not with trying to uncover some deep seated childhood issue. Find the person that works for you. Keep in mind, this might mean you try (or interview) several people. And you may have to wait a bit – counselors are swamped right now. So if you think you might want to see a counselor, begin looking today. Start with this therapy search site or by calling your insurance company.

Nurturing relationships with children

Now for the part you really want to know – how do you practice being a good parent when you barely have the energy to take care of yourself? How can you care for another human being when caring for yourself takes every ounce of energy? Well, there are a few ways and Jesus is at the heart of them all.

Focus on quality time:

What do your kids like to do? Is there a special activity you both enjoy? Make time for THAT. Reserve whatever energy you can to engage with them around that time together. I’ll admit, when depression was high, sometimes car time was our best time. I had to be driving them somewhere so we could talk about what was happening in their lives. And it didn’t take too much energy. Reading to them at night was another great quality time activity. Start small, remember to limit your expectations to what is reasonable. And pray. Ask God what your child needs the most and start with that. Ask God to give you the strength to be able to engage with you child around that activity or at that time.

Maintain open communication:

Communicate about what you are going through (age appropriate, of course) but also keep the lines of communication open for your kids to talk to you. Really listening requires energy, but it’s time and energy well spent. Ask questions and really listen to their answers. If you are really struggling some days, tell them that you are struggling and ask for their grace. When we teach grace (giving someone goodness and kindness when they don’t “deserve” it), they are much more likely to be able to offer it in return. Pray for the words to share about what you’re going through and ears to hear what your children are really saying.

Practice patience and kindness:

Be patient with yourself and with them. Kids are kids. They will be loud, make mistakes, and get stuff wrong. It’s okay. I know when my depression is super-high I tend to hyperfocus on those things. But they really don’t matter. Again, pick your battles after praying about what really matters. Focus there. And while you’re at it, give yourself grace for what you can’t get done. Do what you can and trust God to take care of the rest.

Coping strategies

Prayer and mindfulness: “Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18, emphasis added). Do this first and foremost – all the time. Pray especially before you have any difficult conversations. While you’re at it, practice mindfulness. This means you focus on what you are doing in the moment. Use your five senses and avoid the temptation to multi-task. It’s not really productive anyway.

Exercise and outdoor activities: Get outside! Play catch or frisbee with the kids, take the dog for a walk, sit in the sun by the pool, go for a swim, walk on the beach or by the lake, take a hike in the woods or park, start taking a class that’s activity based (at the gym, YMCA, or martial arts studio, for instance)….it doesn’t matter what it is. Just do something to get your body moving and get outside. These can be two different things – your activity doesn’t have to be outside. I love reading my book by the pool with my feet in the water. I’m soaking up sun while I enjoy a book and a cup of coffee.

Engage in hobbies: Do something you love. Hobbies are often part of self care. The University of Arkansas says that among other things, hobbies can relieve stress and make us more patient. So find something you love or used to love and get busy. It might be reading, painting, music, crafting, scrapbooking, candle making – who knows! The important part is to begin again, even with baby steps.

The Bottom Line

Depression can make us feel like a horrible mom. Our thoughts rehash all of our mistakes and our energy leaves us in a pit of despair. But we can still be a good mom, a great mom, despite our depression. With good coping strategies like faith, a support system, self care, and therapy, we can parent well while we get well.

Friend, I can’t stress enough the importance of relying on Jesus through your depression. While I can’t guarantee that He will choose to take your depression away without medicine or therapy, I can guarantee He will carry you through the season. He will give you peace and comfort while you are in the pit. He will give you the energy you need to attend to your kids and give them the best you an offer during this season. Jesus is truly the only way to really cope when you’re depressed. He can give you the strength to get to your doctor, find a counselor, and maybe a prescription to help you through this time. Cast your cares on Jesus, because He cares for you (1 Peter 5:7 NIV).

*NOTE: If you are feeling suicidal or like ending your life at all, if you feel your family and friends would be better without you, GET HELP NOW. This is the online suicide hotline or dial 988 from your phone. Do it now. ❤️

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I pray this information helps to encourage you.

With love and prayers,

🌸 Andrea

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