How to adapt to changing plans in families

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The setting

My husband is an amazing planner – he can plan a great date better than anyone I know. He plans where we are going for dinner and if we are going to do something after. He gets his heart set on his plan and is as giddy as a child.

Yet life. Life gets in the way. Cars break down. I get cranky. Dogs need to be walked. Kids end up with extra curriculars that go late. Work moves beyond the expected time frames.

And his plans get ruined. Or edited, at the very least.

He handles these changes to plans well but it’s discouraging. And after a few times of plans changing the discouragement builds.

My husband isn’t alone. The same thing happens to me when my plans change and my discouragement builds. The problem is that when both of us are experiencing discouragement, it affects our marriage. That’s the rub.

The problem with dashed plans

When we are both discouraged, we are less likely to put all our attention in our relationship. Discouragement brings its friends disappointment, dismay, and disillusionment.

When we are disappointed with a situation, we can often take it out on our spouse, making it sound like we are disappointed with the person. Ouch.

When we are dismayed we may be less likely to continue to make effort in our marriage. When we stop making effort, things begin to fall apart.

Disillusionment from plans gone awry makes us less likely to dream and find joy. We get jaded and pessimistic. Marriage has a hard time surviving with those emotions thrown into the mix.

The fix

What NOT to do

First, the fix is NOT to stop planning and having expectations. Making plans gives us excitement and something to look forward to. When we set high expectations we have the opportunity for lots of fun and relationship building! Planning involves dreaming and that’s super important for marriage.

Five solutions

Talking

1. The best way to fix changing plans is to first inform your partner what your plans are. If you don’t want to share all of the plans, at least tell him/her you HAVE plans for their time.

I can’t tell you how many times my husband has grand and wonderful plans but doesn’t tell me. I make other plans – to walk the dogs, shop, see my sister, do additional Bible study. Whatever. But I fill my day not knowing that he wanted part of my day.

So tell the other person you would like time in their day – and how much time you need. When my husband tells me that we have plans after I drop our son off through the end of the school day, I know not to schedule anything then. I need to walk the dogs early and get Bible study done before school.

2. If possible, tell your spouse what the plans are. My husband loves to plan surprises. But he forgets that I’m a thinker. I want to anticipate what we are going to be doing. Not knowing only brings me stress. If your partner is like me, please be respectful and share the plan so he/she can get excited.

3. When plans do change, face the changes together. Work together to make a new plan. Is there a part of the original plan that you can keep? Do it! Is there a creative way you can still get to the feeling you wanted? Be creative! Here is a resource for creative dates. In a rut? Try a new hobby!

Attitude

4. If you are irritated by your spouse making plans and not telling you about them, take a deep breath. Remember your spouse has goodwill toward you. Here’s an article to help when you are feeling irritated.

5. Finally, be patient. Life happens. It’s only when we communicate clearly, communicate our expectations, listen well, and are flexible that we can embrace our marriage fully. Remember you only have a short time on this Earth with each other. Take time to enjoy it, even when things don’t go the way you planned.

What about you?

When was the last time your plans were foiled and how did you adapt? Let us know in the comments!

With love,

🌸 Andrea

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