How to Help Your Kids to Get Along

Last Updated on November 20, 2024 by Andrea

Why Does It Matter If Our Kids Get Along?

Encouraging our children to be the people God made them to be (Psalm 139:14) is important and in doing so we can potentially reduce sibling rivalry and positively impact their sibling relationships. When children feel valued for who they are as a person, they are less likely to try to compete with each other – and that reduces fighting. Less fighting means a calmer home – and we all want that! A positive relationship between our kids is even more important as they get older – they become a good resource for each other and they can support each other when inevitable life tragedies happen. While they don’t have to be best friends, It’s important for them to have a positive relationship on which to build for their future.

Sibling Rivalry

Sibling rivalry is a common family dynamic that has been studied extensively in the field of developmental psychology. It encompasses the competition, jealousy, and conflict that crops up between siblings. Research suggests that sibling rivalry is influenced by biological, social, and environmental factors and can have lasting effects on familial relationships and individual development. Understanding the causes and impacts of sibling rivalry helps parents manage it effectively and foster positive sibling relationships.

For instance, if Jimmy and Johnny are playing and Jimmy wins the game, Johnny may argue about the win or try to showcase how he did better, even if he didn’t win. An argument (and sometimes an all-out fight) ensues. Each wants to be seen the best at the game they played.

The origins of sibling rivalry can often be traced to competition for parental attention and resources. According to research published by Harvard, rivalry often begins when a new sibling is born, leading to feelings of displacement in the older child. This displacement can spark behaviors like regression or aggression as the child attempts to reclaim parental focus. The younger sibling truly does live in a different family than the older sibling. Each has  unique experiences in the family and sometimes those experiences clash. Each wants different things, while each also craves parental attention.

Parental behavior is another critical factor and is the main focus of this article. Research published in the Journal of Family Psychology highlights that parental favoritism, whether real or perceived, can exacerbate sibling conflict. Children who perceive inequity in parental treatment are more likely to develop resentment and rivalry with their siblings.

Long-Term Impacts of Sibling Rivalry

Sibling rivalry has both positive and negative consequences. On the positive side, it can help children develop conflict resolution skills, negotiation techniques, and emotional resilience. However, unresolved rivalry can lead to strained sibling relationships, lower self-esteem, and heightened anxiety into adulthood.

From a parenting perspective, managing sibling rivalry effectively can mitigate these negative outcomes. Parents who model healthy conflict resolution and provide equal attention to their children can reduce rivalry and foster cooperation.

Strategies for Parents

What makes each child special?

Parents should recognize and celebrate each child’s unique strengths and interests. This reduces the competition to be “the best” in the same domain. According to research, children in families that promote individual achievement and value diversity in talents exhibit less rivalry.

The best way to help our kids get along is to set the example. To start, we identify their individual gifts and talents. How did God make each of the special? What unique skill set does each one have? Identify it and tell him/her often!

For instance, my oldest worked very hard at school, even though he had a rough road due to ADD and a few learning disabilities. But we praised him for his hard work. Over time his younger brother came to see this part of his brother’s personality helped him in life.

Likewise, my youngest has always been a very passionate person – he feels things very deeply. While his older brother was frustrated by this at first, we helped them both to see that this exuberance can serve him well for committing to tasks and to resisting people that are a bad influence.

Acknowledge those gifts out loud and in front of other sibling. Once we establish their individual gifts and talents, they can begin to see the gifts and talents in their sibling(s). Over time our boys began to compliment each other when they saw those traits in action. They were less likely to point out things they didn’t like because it was easy to find something good to comment on. Did this happen overnight? Sadly, no. But it did happen with time and diligence, and it can help your family, too.

Teach How to Resolve Conflicts

Parents can guide siblings to resolve conflicts constructively by using calm communication and problem-solving techniques. Family members would do well to practice these conflict resolution skills at home. Modeling these behaviors is crucial for children to learn healthy ways to handle disagreements. For some couples, they don’t know how to navigate conflict in their marriage, much less teaching the kids. Marital conflict resolution can have its’ own challenges, so it’s important to get those skills handled as soon as you can.

In short, knowing how to resolve conflict is a key to helping our kids communicate effectively. Conflict arises in all relationships so it’s super important to know how to handle it. Understanding what the conflict is about is the first step. Helping your kids to understand what’s really going on will go a long way toward helping them work through their differences. They don’t have to be best friends, but they do need to get along as family members. Remember, the sibling relationship is for life. Knowing how to get along is key to a positive relationship.

Younger siblings don’t want to be left out so don’t assume they aren’t capable of resolving conflict. Lay some ground rules and take time to teach them how to identify what they are feeling and how to communicate it. Older kids don’t have to be left out of this. They, too, can work on these skills even if they’ve heard about them a hundred times.

Ground rules in our home consist of no name calling, listening to understand the other person, and asking for a time out when they need a break. These ground rules are part of our overall family rules that apply in all situations.

Avoid Comparisons

Comparing siblings, even subtly, can increase rivalry. Research by the Journal of Marriage and Family highlights the importance of avoiding favoritism and comparisons to maintain peace at home.

Sibling squabbles often arise because we have (often inadvertently) sent the message that one child is somehow better than the other. When we say things like, “Look at what Suzie did, Mary Jane! Isn’t she so smart?” we are telling Mary Jane that what Suzie did is better than anything Mary Jane does. Sometimes we make more overt comparison statements like, “Mark, why can’t you be more like your brother?” These statements eat away at a child’s self-concept and inevitably lead to more conflict with each other and rivalry for parental attention.

One way to avoid comparisons is to watch what we say. I know that seems overly simplistic but being careful about what we say to each child goes a long way toward avoiding comparisons. Another way to avoid comparisons is to appreciate each child for his/her own self. Acknowledge that he/she is a unique individual. Read below for more on this strategy.

The Value of Time Alone with Each Child

In addition to family time, parents should make an effort to spend individual time with each child, strengthening their bond and reducing feelings of competition for attention.

Spending time alone with each child is important because it helps them feel special and valued as individuals. When a parent gives their undivided attention, it shows the child they are loved for who they are, not just as part of the family. This one-on-one time builds a stronger bond and opens the door for the child to share their thoughts and feelings more openly. It also reduces feelings of competition among siblings, as each child knows they have a unique and meaningful relationship with their parent. These moments can create lasting memories and help boost the child’s confidence and sense of self-worth.

I know that the more children you have, the more difficult this one-on-one time becomes. I know many families who divide and conquer. One parent takes one child while the other takes the rest. Or get Grandma and Grandpa (or Grand-Friends) involved to take the other children so each of you can have one-on-one time with a child to shower them with loving attention.

Spending time alone with each child does not have to be difficult. Go for ice cream, go to the zoo, throw a ball at the park, watch a sunset from the back porch, take a walk after dinner, go for a drive…these are just a few great ways you can spend easy, low-cost time with each child. The time together, as a whole family and with each child, is what’s important! When you do these things over time, they can become cherished family traditions.

Encourage Them First

Next, Encourage your children to encourage each other (Romans 12:10). Take time alone with each child to coach them on how to lift up their brother or sister. You can say something like, “Machai, your brother is really worried about his math test tomorrow. Can you give him a boost?” Then pay attention for Machai to say something to his brother later. Hopefully it looks something like, “Hey Devin, I know you’re going to rock that math test tomorrow.”

Yes, I know this sounds crazy. But I am here to tell you it works. Again, not overnight. But my kids are living proof that these steps actually do help our kids to know how to encourage each other for a healthy relationship with less conflict and fighting. This encouragement helps a child feel seen and valued.

I know each child has their own problems but helping them to see the world outside of themselves will help to make them better citizens – in the family and the world. If one of them is having a hard time it’s okay to let the other know (with the child’s permission, of course). Lead the sibling in prayer for the other or ask him/her to pray for their brother/sister. Positive sibling relationships are not impossible, I promise!

Gratitude

Gratitude is another way siblings can encourage each other and discourage fighting. When someone acknowledges the someone else’s efforts, their heart is softened. Something simple like Jackie saying to her sister, “Pamela, thanks for cleaning up your side of the sink, I really appreciate it.”

Teaching each child to show gratitude can take on a team work feel. We act as a family team to encourage and show gratitude for each other. One of the best ways to help someone feel good is to thank them! It’s hard to have negative feelings when someone is expressing gratitude. Your family dynamics will be completely changed if you can get everyone into a gratitude mindset.

The good news is that it’s pretty simple and straightforward. If this isn’t your style, this may take some getting used to. Encourage them to keep trying (1 Peter 4:8)! The best way to do this is to begin as a parent. Support and show gratitude. It takes some advance thinking at times, but it’s totally worth the effort! You’ll notice the change over time. As it becomes a habit, then move to teaching your kids how to do it. I promise it’s time well spent!

Wrapping Up

Sibling rivalry is a normal part of family life, but it can be managed effectively with intentional parenting. By understanding the causes and consequences of sibling rivalry parents can reduce conflict and foster strong sibling relationships for the rest of their lives. The sibling bond is one of the longest-lasting relationships in a person’s life, and nurturing it is a valuable investment in family cohesion and individual well-being.

I hope these healthy relationship skills help. Knowing what makes each child special, teaching effective conflict resolution skills, setting house rules, avoiding comparisons, spending time alone with each child, teaching everyone to be encouraging and grateful will go a long way toward happy siblings with close relationships and strong social skills.

What strategies do you use to help your kids encourage each other? Tell us below in the comments section, I’d love to hear!

With love,

Andrea 💜

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