Your Ultimate Guide to a Happy, Healthy Marriage

Marriage is amazing. Until it isn’t. Let’s face it, every marriage has seasons that we wouldn’t ask for. Yet they exist for everyone. I’ve been married 29 years and we’ve seen lots of ups and downs. Yet we remain committed to each other. A healthy marriage has not been easy, but it’s been SO worth it.

Can you relate? Has your marriage had good times and bad times? Are there seasons you want to throw in the towel? You are not alone.

In this ultimate guide to having a healthy marriage, I review the major areas of communication in marriage. Here we’ll delve into the physical and emotional parts of marriage, as well as deeper communication issues. With these skills you can engage in a happy healthy marriage reset at your leisure. This post has all my best healthy marriage advice in one place.

background is a wedding dress with two gold wedding bands; text is title, "ultimate guide to a happy, healthy marriage" with author website dr andrea towers scott dot com

In this comprehensive post I’ll cover kissing, regular sex, non-sexual touch, and how physical touch ties to emotions. We’ll talk about emotions – how to keep yourself mentally healthy, having a solid faith for yourself and your marriage, and how our emotions tie to our thoughts. I’ll also review nonverbal communication and verbal communication, including conflict and decision making. Finally, I’ll talk about our thoughts and how they impact both our communication and our marriage. Let’s get started!

Physical:

Kissing:

Kissing is essential for a healthy marriage! When we kiss, we are engaging in an intimate and symbolic gesture that holds significance in various cultures. While its importance can vary from person to person and culture to culture, there are several reasons why kissing is often considered important in a marriage:

Physical intimacy and bonding
Expressing love and affection
Stress reduction and relaxation
Improving relationship satisfaction
Communicating nonverbally
Physical attraction and desire
Building intimacy and trust
Acting as foreplay
Celebration and special moments

Kissing regularly, from small pecks before work to more prolonged kisses after work, kissing positively impacts every marriage.

Non-sexual touch:

My husband loves it when I sit close to him at night. He loves knowing I’m right there and he’ll put his arm around me or his hand on my leg. The closeness communicates a desire to be with him in a way that is special to him.

Nonsexual touch is crucial for marriage. When one partner feels pressure that “every time she/he touches me, they want sex” then sex no longer becomes a loving act – it becomes a responsibility. Touch alone can release powerful love hormones that connect us with our spouse.

Nonsexual touch includes:

Hugging
Kissing
holding hands
sitting on his lap
tapping her butt when you walk by
putting your arms around each other
squeezing her shoulder when you go by
massaging him/her
snuggling in bed
and lots more!

All these touches release hormones that help us love each other. Lots of nonsexual touch is one sign of a healthy marriage.

Ties to emotion for both men and women:

Physical touch affects both men and women. Both want it and it impacts their emotions, though differently for each. When women feel emotional connection, they are more likely to enjoy physical touch. When men have plenty of physical touch, they feel more connected emotionally. This is not chicken-and-egg situation. The key is to connect on both physical and emotional levels.

Regular sex in healthy marriages:

Regular sex is important for both men and women. According to Focus on the Family, “Research suggests that a husband’s oxytocin level increases following an act of sexual intimacy. A man’s brain re-bonds with his spouse, often making him more committed to his family, more satisfied with his wife, more invested in his home.” Men feel committed to their wives by the connection that physical intimacy provides. Women also release oxytocin when they have sex, helping them to feel more loving toward her husband.

Part of the key is regular sex. What’s “regular” to him might mean something different than what’s “regular” to her. So talk about it! Then make plans. It may seem unromantic to plan for sex, but there are two good outcomes. First, it actually happens. Waiting for chance sex can be like waiting for a solar eclipse – it happens, just not often. Second, women tend to like time to prepare physically and mentally for sex. If it’s on the calendar, then she has time to think about it and be fully engaged when it’s time.

Studies show a clear connection between sexual frequency in marriage and marital satisfaction. Regular sex is one direct and clear connection to a happy healthy marriage. What’s regular for one couple may be irregular for another. One key to a happy healthy marriage with a “good” sex life is focusing on communication.

Role of communication

Be sure to communicate about frequency, needs, desires, and preferences. Our partner only knows what we like (or don’t like) if we don’t talk about it. Yes, it can be awkward but it’s essential for a healthy sex life. Talk about it when the kids aren’t around and you’re NOT in the moment. Not sure how to do talk about your sex life? Focus on the Family has some great resources for that.

Resources:

Emotional:

Keep self mentally healthy:

I love reading books. Fiction, nonfiction, it doesn’t matter. I lose myself in the content and it somehow gives my brain a break from reality. I also love coffee, baked goods, and baths. These activities allow my mind to reset and rejuvenate me. I process feelings and emotions when I’m reading with a cup of coffee or taking a bath. When I’m done a short while later, I’m ready to face the day again.

Emotional health is a vital aspect of overall well-being. Emotional health includes our ability to understand, express, and manage our emotions in a constructive and balanced manner. To keep ourselves emotionally healthy, it’s essential to cultivate self-awareness and a deep understanding of our feelings. Acknowledging and accepting our emotions without judgment allows us to process them effectively.

Communication, both with ourselves and with others, plays a crucial role in emotional health. Sharing our feelings, fears, and joys with trusted individuals fosters connection and emotional release. When we share our emotions and feelings with our spouse, we are building connection and helping him/her to understand us better. We’re constantly changing, so unless we share our thoughts and feelings with each other, those changes may catch us off guard.

Additionally:

engaging in activities that bring us joy
practicing relaxation techniques
nurturing meaningful relationships
setting healthy boundaries
and seeking professional help when needed

are key components in maintaining and nurturing our emotional well-being. By prioritizing our emotional health, we pave the way for a more fulfilling and satisfying life.

Resources:

Connect emotionally through talking and activity:

My husband loves shopping. It’s not necessarily about spending money, though he does that as well. But he loves looking at what’s available. We shop at all kinds of places – Walmart, consignment shops, Goodwill, and upscale specialty stores. While we shop, we talk about all kinds of things. We make decisions about our kids, talk about how work has been going, and make plans for our future. This activity bonds us together in a special way.

One way we build a healthy marriage is to connect though talking and through activities. When we talk, we share our thoughts and feelings. Even talking about everyday matters helps to build relationships. Those everyday moments form the foundation of a relationship. Only those closest to us know the ins and outs of our life. When we tell that silly story from work, we’re connecting with our spouse.

Not everyone connects well with talking, however. And while we all need to talk, sometimes it’s more important to do an activity together. It really doesn’t matter what the activity is.

Go hunting together
or antiquing
learn a new hobby together
take up disk golf or skiing.

The important thing is to do something together and see where the moments take you. New activities can form a healthy marriage reset by giving you something new to focus on and talk about.

Faith – alone:

Another way to build emotional connection with our spouse is to build our faith during alone time. I like to wake up before the sun. Seriously. I have a two giant picture windows in my kitchen nook. I make coffee, grab a muffin, and study the Bible while I watch the sun rise. For me, there’s no better way to start the day. I feel closest to God when it’s just me, Him, and the sunrise. I draw close to Him, learn from Him, and prepare myself for the day. Once I’ve done this, I’m ready to tackle what comes my way.

When we draw closer to God we are enabling ourselves to draw closer to our mate. There are lots of ways to grow closer to God

through reading Scripture
worship music
Bible study
reading nonfiction books about the Bible
journaling
and much more.

Find what works for you and seek God during alone time. You’ll be focusing on the most important priority, making room for your next most important priority – your marriage. Learn more about how your individual growth helps your marriage here.

Faith – in a healthy marriage:

Once you are building your relationship with God alone, it’s important to build a relationship with God as a couple. Connect with God as a couple can happen in much the same ways as when we are alone.

There are lots of other options, too, though.

We can attend concerts
workshops
conferences
and retreats.
Don’t want to go to a retreat that costs an entire weekend and thousands of dollars? Check out my Marriage Retreat in a Box – your at-home marriage retreat You get the benefits of a marriage retreat, complete with worship music and instructions, in the quiet and safety of your own home. The Marriage Retreat in a Box is a great way to grow in faith together.

Resources:

Ties to thinking:

I’ll admit it, I’m a thinker. I spend a great deal of time thinking about all kinds of things. My husband is a thinker, too. He thinks differently than I do, however. I can do my thinking out loud of quietly. He thinks quietly. And he tends to be unresponsive when he’s thinking especially hard about something. I always know when he’s pondering a problem because he’s sort of “out there” and not fully present. I know to wait him out and he’ll update me once he’s processed through it.

When we are emotionally healthy, we also time thinking about how we really feel. We know what we think and why we think that. Thinking ties directly to our communication, as you’ll see below. Being emotionally healthy helps us have a healthy marriage because it forces us to really think about how we feel in situations. It’s totally okay to ask for a few minutes to think about how you feel so you can communicate it more clearly to your spouse.

Healthy Marriage Communication – Verbal:

One of the characteristics of a healthy marriage is effective communication. In theory we should all want communication that is competent. In the communication world that means our words are personally effective and socially appropriate. That means we use words to reach our goals but do so in a way that takes the other person into consideration. While this skill is essential in all our relationships, it’s easy to forget in marriage. We are with the person day in- and day out so we sometimes allow ourselves to get lazy with our communication. This is the relationship we need to be focusing on the most, however! This is the person we will be with for the rest of our lives, so we need to really focus on building it up and maintaining it every day.

Say what you mean …. with kindness:

In our house I take care of most of the household jobs. I keep the house clean and tidy. I also teach at two universities, speak at events, write books, and run my Write.Speak.Relate business. Oh, and get our teen where he needs to be if my husband is working. My husband works lots of odd hours, takes care of the farm, and runs our teen to his activities when he’s not working or sleeping for work.

Some nights, I’m just done in and exhausted. However, I like the kitchen to be totally clean before we go to bed. I want the dishes done, sinks clean, counters and stove wiped down. If I simply tell my husband, “I’m exhausted and can’t wait to go to bed,” he will likely take that as “she’s tired and wants to go to bed.” What if that’s not what I meant? What if I meant, “honey, would you please clean the kitchen for me?” That’s an entirely different message!

Say what you mean in a healthy marriage

The first part of this skill is saying what we mean. If I want his help, I should ask for it. Secondly, he’s worked hard, too, and may be just as tired as I am. This is where the kindness part comes in. If he’s worked all night the night before and been up all day, mowed pastures, and helped get our son to activities, maybe the kindest thing I can do is either take care of the kitchen myself or leave it until morning.

For some people saying what they mean is easy. The just blurt it out. Others struggle to say what they mean because they don’t want to hurt the other person’s feelings. The “sweet spot” is somewhere in between.

With kindness

We want to say what we mean but do so in a way that doesn’t push our spouse away from us. This balance can be tricky. Knowing what we want to say ties in a lot with thinking (see below). We must know what we are thinking to communicate it to our spouse.

Once we know how we feel and what we are thinking, we need to identify how to say it with kindness, taking the other person into consideration. Kindness often means putting others first (see Philippians 2:3-4). Kindness acknowledges the other person may have had a rough day, or a banner day (and now is not a good time for bad news). When we are kind we take care of the other persons’ feelings, even when we are being honest about our own. Kindness also understands the relationship history and honors it. That takes us to our next point –

Content and relational level messages:

Whenever we say something to someone there are two levels of meaning associated. The first is exactly what the words mean. Imagine two teens (or siblings of any age lol) talking. One says, “I hate you!” to the other. Does Person A really hate the other? Maybe. The content levelsays that Person A hates Person B. But that’s not the entire story, is it?

What about times where siblings or friends are joking around? Where “hate” really means “envy” or “love”? Maybe they have a running joke where, “I hate you” means “you’ve done great!” This distinction of meaning that is based on their pre-existing relationship is what we are talking about with the relational level of communication. This level of meaning is all based on their relationship. Only they know the true meaning because only they have lived in this particular relationship.

In the previous section I said that taking someone else into consideration when planning a message involves relational level meaning. This type of meaning comes from communication episodes that have happened already. Only the people in the relationship know how to frame a message for the other person. For instance, I will frame a message differently with my husband than my sister will with her husband. The different people and different relationships impact how we say what we want to say.

Here’s an example:

That’s a lot of theory to throw at you! Let’s look at an example. Sometimes when my husband and I are out he’ll ask, “Pretty lady?” That’s it. I know exactly what he means. I’ll answer yes or no. An observer might have no idea what he’s asking. Or wonder if he’s asking if I’m feeling pretty or if I noticed somebody on the street.

Actually, he’s asking if I want to stop at Starbucks. Back when their logo was the siren, I used to call her the “pretty lady.” So now that’s our code phrase for stopping at Starbucks. But only people in our relationship would know that. So the content level was potentially obscure but could reasonably relate to an actual person. The relational level is my husband knowing my love of all things coffee and offering to stop and get me a drink (one way he cares for me).

Successful relationships are built on people who say what they mean, but also who understand the subtle relational levels of meaning that exist in their relationship. Strong marriages capitalize on this shared relational history and use phrases that reflect their shared experience.

Conflict in healthy marriages:

My husband and I have an ongoing conflict and it’s about money. That’s pretty predictable, as money is one area many couples conflict about. Anyway, we generally only keep enough money in our checking account for bills or shopping at the moment. We keep the rest in one of a few savings accounts. I’ll transfer money into the checking account to pay a bill. I’ll even mark it in the online banking app that it’s for a bill.

My husband will come along and see the “extra” money in the account, forget to look at the memo, and transfer it back OUT of the account. Then we get hit with overdraft fees and he gets upset with me. I get upset with him for not looking at the memo. He gets upset that I didn’t tell him I was transferring money for a given purpose. Round and round it goes until one of us makes a change to stop the cycle.

Conflict Facts

1 Conflict is inevitable, even in healthy marriages. Ohio State University reports that 16% of married couples experience low conflict, 60% of couples experience moderate conflict, while 22% of couples experience high levels of conflict. Take note that they all experience some degree of conflict, though. Some research shows that our degree of conflict has to do with how we view our marriage. Regardless of where it comes from, we do know several things about conflict:

2 Conflict is normal. No two people are exactly alike, so it’s inevitable that couples will disagree from time to time. Conflict doesn’t mean that your marriage is in trouble. It simply means that you and your spouse are two different individuals with different needs, wants, and perspectives.

3 Conflict can be healthy. When handled constructively, conflict can help couples to better understand each other and strengthen their relationship. It can also lead to positive changes in the marriage.

4 There are different types of conflict. Conflict may occur about communication, differences in values and goals, decision making, stress, fatigue, and unmet needs.

5 There are healthy and unhealthy ways to resolve conflict. Healthy conflict resolution involves being able to communicate your needs and wants assertively, listen to your spouse’s perspective with empathy, and work together to find a solution that works for both of you. Unhealthy conflict resolution can include things like name-calling, stonewalling, or physical violence.

6 There are resources available to help couples manage conflict. If you and your spouse are struggling to manage conflict on your own, there are several resources available to help you, such as couples counseling, books, and online resources.

7 The key with conflict is communication. I know you probably predicted that! But it’s true. We can prevent some conflict through successful communication and we can resolve conflict through using communication skills you learn here at Write.Speak.Relate.

Decision making:

We make decisions all the time in our lives. Double that when you’re married – and we make even more decisions if we have kids. That’s a lot of decision making! It can be fairly easy to make decisions in a healthy marriage if we keep a few things in mind.

Communication: Communication is essential for effective decision-making in marriage. Couples need to be able to communicate their needs, wants, and perspectives clearly and honestly. They also need to be able to listen to each other with empathy and understanding.
Values and goals: Couples need to have a shared understanding of their values and goals to make effective decisions. This includes things like their religious beliefs, parenting style, and financial goals. When couples have different values and goals, it can be difficult to make decisions that work for both.
Problem-solving skills: Couples need to have good problem-solving skills in order to make effective decisions. This includes things like being able to identify the problem, brainstorm solutions, and evaluate the pros and cons of each solution.
Decision-making styles: Couples may have different decision-making styles. Some people are more impulsive, while others are more deliberate. It’s important for couples to understand each other’s decision-making styles and to be willing to work together to find a decision-making process that works for both.

In another post I’ll go over decision making styles and skills, but for now know that decision making requires effort. We need to know what our goals are (and how to unify them if her goal is different from his goal), strategies to reach those goals, and how we’ll know if our decision is a good one. The first start is to know your own mind. Then communicate it clearly. Don’t assume he/she understand what you are saying if you don’t actually say it. Further, avoid making decisions when you are angry – you’ll live to regret it later.

BONUS: Here’s a toolkit for helping your kids learn to make good decisions

Healthy Marriage Communication – Nonverbal:

Nonverbal communication is all communication that takes place without words. It can be vocal (yelling, crying) or non-vocal (looking at someone, being late). Nonverbal communication accounts for the vast majority of all communication, so it makes sense to spend some time looking at how it impacts our marriage.

Listening:

Listening is a major part of nonverbal communication. We all know when someone isn’t listening to us. I talked above about how my husband appears like he isn’t always present when he’s pondering something deeply. During those times I often feel like he’s not listening to me. Why? Because his nose is in his phone, and he doesn’t respond when I ask questions. These are nonverbal cues that he’s not really listening. A healthy marriage includes lots of effective listening.

When we listen, we do several things:

We set aside physical distractions – turn off/down the tv, put our phone away, close our email inbox.
We look at the person speaking – we do this in part to pay attention to their nonverbal communication.
We set aside our own thoughts – keep a notebook handy if you want to write your thoughts down while they talk so you can remember later to ask questions or address your own needs.
We think about what they are saying and not saying – think about content and relational level messages (from above). Think about his/her day and how that may be impacting what he/she is saying.
Ask questions if you don’t understand but wait for a break in their talking.
Think relationally – don’t just listen for how the information affects you, but how it affects your marriage as well.

Eye contact:

Eye contact makes a huge difference in marriage. When we look at our spouse, we are showing him/her respect, love, dedication, and attention. We show that we are not being distracted by other things. When my husband comes home from work, I usually shout a greeting from wherever I am. I know he wants to get changed before really talking, But when he comes out from the bedroom, I ask how his day was. I look him in the eyes when I ask and when he responds. By looking him in the eye I am showing him that he’s more important than anything else I have going on at the moment. See how this clearly ties to listening?

Touch:

I covered touch a lot above, but I can’t overemphasize how important touch is – whether it’s simply for connection or as a prelude to intimacy. We touch very few people as adults, so touching our spouse communicates connection and a desire to be with him/her. Make it a point to touch your spouse throughout the day – rub his back, touch her shoulder as you walk by, kiss in the hallway. Whatever it is – touch more!

Put the phone down:

I’ve touched on this a bit already, but I want to make it super clear. Putting the phone down is a HUGE element of nonverbal communication. Our phones do nearly everything else days. I can be finding a recipe for dinner, chatting with my mom, and seeing if my son is at work yet, all at the same time. If I’m also trying to have a conversation with my spouse, I’m going to be understandably stretched thin. That doesn’t even factor in time on social media! When we put our phone down – face down or in our pocket so we can’t see it – we are communicating a clear desire to talk to the other person. We are saying, “you’re more important than whatever else is going on.”

I try very hard to put my phone in another room when my husband is home. It’s just too tempting to have it nearby. Now, I do have a “young grownup” at college, so I keep it where I can hear his special text or ringtone. But it’s not within arm’s reach when my husband is home. I don’t know if my husband notices (or cares) that I don’t have my phone nearby, but I know it makes me more attentive and that’s important to me for my healthy marriage. I’m not saying YOU have to set your phone in another room, just consider how you can move from phone-focus to spouse-focus.

Thinking:

Know your own mind in a healthy marriage:

I realize this seems pretty obvious, but many people don’t know their own mind. They let thoughts flit in and out without really knowing their opinion or their feelings.

When my son first when to college he did not have a job. He has a few learning challenges, and I knew he might need extra help with classes. He’s at a small school in a different state so I was understandably concerned about him. My husband kept pushing that our son needed to find a job. I wasn’t so sure. More money would be great (read, not draining our budget so much) but school must come first. Until I really gave myself time to think about the topic, I was just sort of being led around by my husband’s opinion. I knew I had to have my own opinion, so I spent time thinking about pros and cons and spent a lot of time in prayer.

Knowing our own mind comes from thinking and praying. We have to know what we think, but we should also want to know what God thinks about the issue. Once we know our own mind – what we think or feel about an issue – we can communicate it clearly to others, including our spouse.

Before speaking:

Once we know how we think and feel we can share it with others. It’s hard to communicate feelings you aren’t sure about yet. The challenge here is when a conversation starts and you aren’t prepared for it yet.

This situation happens a lot with one of my sisters. She obviously thinks much faster than I do. She’ll start a topic, assert her opinion, and ask mine – all rather quickly. I’ll stutter a bit as I try to process everything she said. Sometimes I say things I don’t really mean because I’m swept away by the conversation. This situation can easily happen in healthy marriages, too.

Here are steps to handling a situation where a conversation is running away with you:

Stop. Acknowledge that the conversation is getting into an area you haven’t thought about yet.
Ask for a few minutes to think about the topic. This may mean going for a walk or into another room at home. It’s okay to ask for a time out!
Take a few minutes to pray and think. Ask God what He thinks about this issue. What should you be thinking or feeling? What’s most important?
Try it out. Let yourself sit with the thought or feeling for a few more minutes. Do you have peace about it? That’s probably right then. If there’s no peace, go back to God and keep praying.
Let the other person know you’re ready to talk about it. Share how you feel about the topic with confidence. Understand that it’s okay if they disagree. Life isn’t about agreement. You can disagree and still love each other.
If there are decisions to make because of a difference of opinion, then move to decision making strategies.

Consider timing:

When my husband gets home from work, he’s very tired. If he’s been working nights, he’s also very tired, even if it’s daytime. These are NOT the time to bring topics to his attention. These are times I should make notes in my notebook and wait for him to be more alert and attentive. Most topics can wait a while to be addressed. We feel urgency because it’s our issue, but really consider if the topic must be talked about right now.

If a topic MUST be addressed right away, I try to be sure I have an opinion on the matter before bringing it up. This streamlines the decision making. If a topic is urgent, then waiting won’t help. Be succinct. Identify the problem and the decision or action that needs to happen. Bring it up at the next most opportune time.

Timing is a nonverbal communication element. When we honor someone else’s time, we are showing respect for them. When we repeatedly push for our timeline, we are being self-centered, which is the opposite of putting others first.

Happy, Healthy Marriage Conclusion:

How to have a healthy marriage is a complicated topic to address. There are many pieces and all of them fit together. Some keys to a healthy marriage are: have strong communication skills, put the other person first, and don’t give up. You can find strong communication skills in every post here at Write.Speak.Relate, so look around. A strong, healthy marriage also requires each to put the other person’s needs ahead of their own. Finally, marriage is about commitment. When we show commitment, we keep trying, without giving up. I promise it’s worth it in the end!

This article covered a lot of topics from touch to the words we choose, from thinking to feeling. I hope you found it helpful. Please bookmark the post so you can find it again. One way to use this content well is to pick one skill and begin working on it. Then come back to the article and pick another skill to practice. Keep doing that until you’ve worked your way through all of them.

In the meantime, I thought you might like an easy printable healthy marriage checklist. Just download the linked file and you’ll be on your way to a happy healthy marriage in no time!

With love,

🌸 Andrea

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Your Ultimate Guide to a Happy, Healthy Marriage