Why marriage is not 50/50

Introduction to 50/50

After 30 years of marriage, I can honestly say that a successful marriage is not 50/50. There are times I give more than him, and plenty of times he’s contributing more than me.

Many people think that because marriage is two people that all marriage should be 50/50. Nothing can be farther from the truth!

A truly thriving marriage goes beyond the 50/50 mindset, embracing the principle of mutual self-giving and sacrifice, as taught in Scripture.

The Myth of 50/50

The 50/50 mindset means that each person gives equally to the marriage and viola! The marriage is instantly happy and well balanced.

While at first glance this may seem to make sense, it does not reflect reality and it’s not based in Scripture.

When we have a 50/50 mindset about marriage, we often end up scorekeeping and that leads to resentment.

For Example

For instance, if I feel like I’ve been giving my half of the relationship, but my husband has been falling short (in my eyes), then I begin to resent the time I spend contributing to the marriage.

I begin to think he must not care enough about our relationship to really contribute. These thoughts are destructive for any marriage.

Philippians 2:3-4 tells us to put others before ourselves and to do nothing out of selfish ambition – even our marriage. We are called to not look to our own interests, but to those of others (in this case, our spouse).

Biblical Foundation for a Different Approach

When we are married in the church, we are told that marriage is a covenant, though many modern marriages tend to treat it more like a contract.

Covenant Vs Contract

A covenant is an ancient relationship based on uniting as one and remaining loyal to each other forever. David and Jonathan had a friend covenant and God made a covenant with Abraham. A covenant is not to be broken.

When we make a marriage covenant, we are uniting our lives together forever.

Ephesians 5:21-23 tells us to mutually submit to one another – a wife to her husband and her husband to her via his submission to Christ.

She submits to him, and he loves her as Christ loves the church (and gave Himself for her). This love is enduring and involves mutual sacrifice – but not 50/50.

A covenant marriage is one in which both parties are giving oneself for the other.

What does this look like in reality?

I don’t love surprises, yet my husband loves to give me surprises. He makes plans for us but won’t tell me what they are.

I have enough history with him now to trust that I’ll enjoy the surprise, but I still find it unnerving to not know what’s happening. He’ll tell me what kind of clothes are appropriate for whatever we are doing and wants me to go along and “enjoy the ride.”

I walk our dogs every day. They are young and need the exercise…I’m older and need the exercise. Win-win! Yet often I don’t know that my husband is making plans. So I go about my merry way, planning my day that includes starting with walking the dogs. He has plans, though.

Sacrifice for each other

We are each called to sacrifice for the other. He gives up a bit of his plan so I can walk the dogs and I give up a bit of my control to let him have his surprise.

We are each making small sacrifices for the other. But our degree of sacrifice may not be the same. In this sense, sacrifice isn’t 50/50 either.

Yet we are both giving up something for the greater good of our marriage.

The Benefits of Going Beyond 50/50

When each of us gives more to our marriage than is expected in a 50/50 relationship, we experience much deeper emotional and spiritual connection because we are all in.

When we go above and beyond for someone we are invested, and that investment draws us closer together. It’s when we hold back that walls begin to grow, and we are separated by that barrier.

Selfless giving and 50/50

Selfless giving is another element of moving beyond 50/50. This type of giving happens when I give to the person without expecting something in return.

I don’t expect a similar action to be returned or even thanks to be offered. When I give of myself (time, money, talents, etc.) I’m building trust and security in my marriage.

My husband learns that he can trust me because he sees me moving beyond my own needs to build our marriage and make it stronger. That increased trust leads to more security when tough times come to bear.

Do not grow weary

In Scripture, Galatians 6:9 encourages us to not grow weary in doing good, as it will reap a harvest in due season.

Paul is encouraging the reader to persevere, even when times are tough, because the blessing (harvest) is going to come when God determines the time is right.

We don’t know when that will be, so we keep giving, keep loving, keep pouring into our marriage, knowing that God will bless us for it.

Practical Steps to Embrace Self-Giving Love

There are lots of ideas for small, daily acts of love and sacrifice.  

Make a list of ideas for small, daily acts that demonstrate love and sacrifice.

Here are some to get you started: wash your spouse’s car, fill it with gas, do the dishes, wash the towels, change the sheets, mow the lawn, trim the yard, make him coffee, clean the kitchen at night, help get the kids ready for bed, iron his clothes, take a walk with her…the list is endless. Pick something in his/her life and do it for him/her.

How to implement

The first key here is to know what your husband does, what he needs, and what he hates doing the most!

Honest conversation about our needs is important here. Self-sacrficie happens when we do something when we are tired, too. When we move beyond our own needs to take care of someone else’s needs.

The second key is to not keep score.

My husband works nights for long stretches at a time. When he’s working a stretch of nights, I know he’s exhausted all the time. He doesn’t have the bandwidth to move beyond himself and do nice things for me.

So I do extra to help him during these times. I know that when he is off, he’ll be back to blessing me more than I deserve.

It’s not a contest.

I have no idea if I do more for him or he does more for me. We both do nice things for the other to bless each other when we can. The trick is not keeping a record of it.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 reminds us that love is patient, kind, and keeps no record of wrongs.

We are patient with each other, knowing that we can’t all be going out of our way all the time. Sometimes we just need to keep our head down and power through the rough time.

That’s a great time for a spouse to move outside him/herself and bestow extra kindness of their spouse. And keeping no record of wrongs includes keeping no record of actions – even positive ones.

This scorekeeping lends itself to competition and resentment. Don’t even start keeping score.

Encouragement for the Journey

I totally admit that living beyond the 50/50 mindset can be difficult.

It’s tempting to want to put in just as much effort as our spouse – to not want to invest more than the other person. But that’s not what God calls us to do.

Jesus gave it all for us. He gave the ultimate sacrifice and there is nothing we can do to match that.

We need to give our spouse as much of us as we have, knowing that sometimes it simply won’t balance out. Over time, God will reward our efforts..

The value of community

To help with this, find a community of like-minded Christian women to help support you in your journey.  

They can give you suggestions for how to shower your husband with love as well as hold you accountable when you just want to stop trying.

We all have those seasons and it’s important to turn to God and other women who will lift you out of the pit and encourage you to keep trying.

Hebrews 10:24-25 tells us to encourage one another towards love and good deeds, meeting together regularly. This is important advice that we shouldn’t be overlooking.

Take time to build community so you are focused on what’s truly important.

Conclusion

Selfless giving is the main idea behind moving beyond a 50/50 mindset.

When we do this, we can move toward a marriage of mutual self-giving and sacrifice. We both give more than the other.

When my sister and her husband were in pre-marital counseling the pastor challenged them to “outgive each other.” In other words, not to keep a record but to practice giving more than they could imagine the other giving. In this way it would always come back to bless each other.

Remember that with God’s help, you can cultivate a marriage that reflects Christ’s love.

Use the Scriptures cited here to learn more about what Scripture says about marriage and self sacrifice.

Commit to one self-giving act this week and share their experiences in the comments. Tell us how it went!

With love,

🌸 Andrea