Why Do I See My Spouse As The Enemy?

Last Updated on October 25, 2024 by Andrea

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Marriage is Hard

Seriously.

It’s probably the most challenging relationship in my life.

Between differences of opinion on just about every topic to frustrating little habits that irritate like a pebble in a shoe, day-to-day marriage life is generally not filled with sunshine and roses.

Often, the days are filled with storms and thorns. It seems like those storms last a long time.  This is a terrible place to be. When we view our marriage as a ongoing struggle, and we see our husband or wife as the bad guy, we set ourselves up for negative consequences.

Many times, these negative thoughts are the result of past hurt. We’ve been hurt in the past, so we expect ourselves to be hurt again. But your spouse truly has your best interests at heart! Seeing him/her as the enemy is the wrong way to approach your marriage.

Who is Our Enemy?

So, if our spouse is not the real enemy, who is? Scripture says the enemy is Satan. And he roams around like a lion, looking for prey to devour. That’s you and me. He wants to draw Christian away from Christ and away from our solid marriages. He wants to draw attention away from himself, so he makes you think that your spouse is the real enemy. The work of the enemy can be tricky. He is a wily character! I’m sorry to say that because he’s always working to turn us away from a godly life, it’s a constant struggle to fight him. But that’s where the fight is – with Satan, not our husband or wife.  Our real enemy is the enemy of GOD.

How We Turn it Around

It’s very tempting to vent about all this with a friend or a sister because you know she goes through the same frustrations. It’s easy to blame it all on “men” and gripe through every little thing.

I get it. I’ve done it too. And sometimes it feels really good.

But here’s the thing. When we gripe about our spouse, we are treating him with disrespect. That disrespect erodes our relationship. When we see him after we’ve vented to our friend or family members, we are still riled up and even more frustrated. Then when he does one thing remotely frustrating, we tell ourselves, “See, I was right. He’s impossible!” Then we pick fights, skip the kiss, and turn our back to him in bed. We are convinced that he’s our bad guy, in large part because we’ve spent the day telling ourselves that very thing.

Remember, Your Spouse is Not the Enemy

The key is remembering that our spouse is NOT the enemy. Rather, he’s our teammate…our co-coach. When we view our partner as that – a partner, a co-coach – we view ourselves together instead of separate. We begin to view our relationship as “us against the world.” This renewed point of view places focus on your spouse in a positive light. We want to work with a partner, not fight against him/her. As coaches we are in charge, not at the whim of the real enemy. We are taking a proactive approach when we view our spouse as a partner or co-coach.

Steps to Improve Your Marriage

The first step to see the real enemy is to go to the right place – the word of God. I’ve listed some helpful Scriptures below. The best way to apply Scripture here is to read your Bible regularly and take notes on what you learn.  This is a big deal! Knowing Scriptures and applying them to your life puts your focus where it needs to be – on God. Spiritual growth serves us well in every area of our lives.

Next, we need to reframe our frustrations. This may not be an easy task. Sure, he may leave his socks on the floor or crumbs on the counter, but he’s working hard and supporting the family. He’s a great dad and loves you very much. She takes care of the kids and works hard to create a good place for your family.

Third, give each other personal spaces to grow and be alone. Having specific places that we can turn to regroup and focus on God are important for all intimate relationships. When we have a private place to turn to God, we can focus more on what He is saying to us.

Changing the way we view our spouse – from enemy to supporter – is hard work. We need to spend time with God and change our focus. This process takes diligence and perseverance. But it’s totally worth the effort!

Good marriages focus on the good, not the bad. Good marriages focus on what God thinks is important and not what the world says is important. Getting to this viewpoint in your marriage represents an important milestone – it represents a shift from the world to God. And there’s no better place to be than that! The kingdom of God is rooting for you!

The Word of God to the Rescue

The word of God gives us some direction with this.

Psalm 37:8 tells us to turn from our anger. That means we give the anger to God instead of sharing it with our friend.

Likewise, Proverbs 29:11 advises that only fools vent their anger – wise people hold it in check. That means we take it to God and let Him resolve our frustrations. Paul tells us that this is part of taking every thought captive (2 Corinthians 10:5)

Maybe this means keeping a journal and writing it down to give it to God. I find a quiet walk in the country where I can talk out loud to God helps because then I’ve said what I have to say, but to God instead of another person. Try a few things and see what works best for you.

Marriage can be frustrating and difficult. But spreading that frustration to others only makes our spouse the enemy and destroys the precious relationship that God has given us.

Next time you feel frustrated, take a minute to share with God. Then turn back to your co-coach and remember that he really IS a blessing.

I hope this helps. Give it a try and let me know in the comments how it goes!

Blessings,

🌸 Andrea

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