What to do when marriage isn’t what you thought it would be

Disenchanted

When we get married we are filled with joyful anticipation. We imagine this ideal life with the person we just pledged to love forever. Maybe your “happily ever after” means you do things together, or he helps out around the house. Perhaps your dream involves each of you doing “his” and “hers” jobs around the house, so everything gets done. Maybe you dream about weekends spent exploring thrift stores or hiking.

Then reality sets in. Maybe he doesn’t do what you want him to around the house, or he does it “wrong.” Perhaps his weekends are spent watching sports instead of doing fun things with you. Maybe he stops all those little loving behaviors that he did before you were married. Or maybe you found marriage is just…a little boring. It’s not as exciting as dating was. You’ve settled into a routine that is just fine.

I remember when I was first married, I started cleaning on the Saturday morning after our honeymoon. My husband sat there and fumed. I finally asked him what he was upset about. I love a clean home and assumed Saturday morning was the best time to tidy up. He responded, “A clean house is fine, but I didn’t know you would G.I. (General Inspection) the place every weekend!” Wow. When did his mom clean house? I had no idea that he wanted to spend the day together, not cleaning. That was my first sign that marriage may not be what I thought it would be.

What does a “normal” marriage look like?

So your marriage isn’t what you thought. Well, I have good news and bad news. The good news is that there is no one kind of “normal” marriage. The good news is also that you can make your marriage be whatever you want it to be! The bad news is that times of blah and boring routine are part of life, including married life.

All marriages have seasons of ups and downs. There are exciting seasons (like right after the wedding, when a baby arrives, when family comes to visit) and there are dull seasons where there’s nothing really happening…just lots of laundry, dishes, and work. There are also times when you’ll find your marriage dull while your spouse may think it’s exciting! Yes, you can both feel totally differently about it, even at the same time. All of this is totally normal.

Six steps for when your marriage isn’t what you thought

There are several things you can do when you feel disenchanted – like your marriage isn’t what you thought it would be.

1. Make a list. What DID you think marriage would be like? What did you want for your marriage? Be specific – consider chores, fun, in-laws, bill paying, church, and kids.
2. Schedule a lunch date. Lunch dates are GREAT for tackling important conversations. You get out of the house with all its’ distractions, you don’t spent a lot of money, and there’s no date night pressure to dress up and end with romance. 💖 Bring your list from step 1.
3. Speak lovingly. Let your husband know how much you love him. That’s always the MOST important. Tell him how much you love him. Then let him know that marriage isn’t what you thought it would be. He may feel the same!
4. Share your list, starting with one item. You may not get through the entire list in one lunch date. Start with one item that is important to you. Maybe you thought he would wash dishes when you cook dinner. Maybe you thought you would spend weekends together. Tell him with love.
5. Listen. Be quiet and listen to what he has to say. Maybe his mom always cooked and did the kitchen cleanup. Maybe his dad always watched the game on Sundays. Listen to what his experiences and expectations are.
6. Make a plan. Based on your expectations and his expectations, make a plan for what needs to change, or a new understanding. I’ve found in my marriage that sometimes simply understanding WHY he isn’t doing something is all I need. Or maybe he wants to cook dinner but not clean up. Could you share dinner responsibilities? Or cook together? Be creative and try to find a way to meet BOTH your expectations.

A new beginning

Now that you’ve identified your expectations, talked through them, and have a plan you can start again. After my husband told me he didn’t want me to clean on Saturdays because he wanted to spend the day together, I realized I needed to find time for what was important to me. I discovered the house can be cleaned any time!

You may still feel that your marriage isn’t what you thought it would be. But that’s okay. Maybe you can rethink what marriage means. It may take several lunch dates to begin making changes to your marriage. The best news is that you can make your marriage whatever you want it to be! The key is to know what you really want and communicate through that.

Wishing you the best marriage,

🌸 Andrea

PS – Need more tips for a successful marriage? Check out this ultimate guide to a happy, healthy marriage!

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