The Key Ingredients: What Makes a Truly Happy Marriage?

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What makes a truly happy marriage?

Is it lots of money? Vacations? Cute wardrobe? Perfect kids? Lots of sex? A happy marriage may have all of these things, but it may not. Lots of people with little money have a happy marriage. And some families NEVER get a vacation and are still happy.

In a few weeks I’ll be married for 30 years. Has it all been happy? I’d love to say yes, but the honest answer is, no. It’s not all been happy. But if you asked, I’d say we have a happy marriage. We’ve had money and been broke. We have seasons when we take vacations (or invest in a staycation) and those when we can’t afford that. I do have lots of cute clothes, and most were purchased through TredUp. We save money and I get lots of cute clothes. While our kids aren’t perfect, they are pretty darn close. But that doesn’t make our marriage any happier than anyone else’s. And while we have sex, we both agree more often would be great, but life gets in the way.

So what makes a happy marriage? If you ask chatGPT, it says, “A happy marriage is built on communication, trust, and mutual respect. It thrives when both partners prioritize each other’s needs, show appreciation, and work together through challenges. Shared values, interests, and a sense of humor also play key roles. Regular expressions of love and understanding contribute to a strong, lasting bond.” I agree with that.

In this article I’ll break down part of that definition into the elements of marriage I think are most important for a long-lasting, successful, (dare I say) happy marriage. Those elements are attitude, reduced conflict, shared goals and memories, successful communication, and shared values.

Elements of a happy marriage

Attitude

A positive attitude goes a long way in marriage. It’s so easy to focus on those things that frustrate us – crumbs on the counter, socks on the floor, even the crazy way he chews his food can be irritating. When we choose to spend our time thinking about those frustrations we are creating a wedge between us and our spouse. Instead, focus on the positive and don’t dwell on the negative.

Think about those things that bring you joy in your marriage. Philippians 4 reminds us to think on things that are good, lovely, and praiseworthy. If you check out that list, you’ll see that there are no negative thoughts listed. We aren’t supposed to focus on those things that irritate us. So find the good, lovely, and praiseworthy parts of your husband and focus on them.

While you’re at it, think about things every day that you love about your spouse. Then text him and tell him. It doesn’t have to be crazy or long winded. And don’t expect a response. But when you get in this habit, you’ll find yourself thinking about what you love so you can plan your next text. Give it a try! When I did this, I noticed my thoughts about my husband turned around and he acted more loving toward me.

Reduce conflict

Or at least learn to handle it successfully. Conflict is a natural part of all relationships. It really just means that our goals are different from each other. When you learn not to avoid conflict out of fear, and learn to navigate it through to a good conclusion, you are strengthening your marriage and creating a happy marriage.

Part of learning to deal with conflict well is to learn not to be afraid of it. You can do this by engaging in “little” conflict episodes that are low-stakes. Use the skills here and give it a try for a conflict that doesn’t mean much – like where you will go to dinner or the best way to load the dishwasher. Practice now so that when a bigger, more high stakes conflict arises, you’re ready.

Shared goals…and memories

When you were newlyweds you probably had the same big goals and remembered your dating years fondly, with the same memories. But as time passes, goals change and memories become cloudy. We begin to have individual goals and not just couple goals. Even our couple goals get re-evaluated from those newlywed days. When it comes to memories, you differ on what actually happened. In some marriages this actual ends up in an argument! (If this happens to you, go back to those conflict skills.)

Goals – When we have shared goals, we have a shared vision. We are heading in the same direction. There’s a bonding that happens when we know we are working together toward a single goal. It brings vision and unity to the marriage. It doesn’t matter what the goal is – saving for a vacation, retirement plans, or what kind of parents you’ll be when your kids are teens. The goal itself doesn’t matter. What matters is that you agree on what it is and come up with a shared plan for getting there.

Memories – We all love good memories. And research shows that marriages are stronger when the couple remembers events in the same way. Sometimes this requires a conversation to come to an agreement about what really happened. Having this talk is important so you can avoid that awkward moment at a party when you start having a disagreement about what really went down way back when.

Successful communication & a happy marriage

Wow. Communication and a happy marriage. This topic could take a lifetime to really flesh out. In fact, that’s why my website exists! I want to share with you what I’ve learned through years of schooling and marriage.

Successful communication involves lots of things. Mostly, it includes knowing your own mind and communicating those ideas in a way that is personally effective and socially appropriate. It also means listening, really tuning in when your spouse talks. Successful communication means putting down the phone when he/she comes home. It means remembering why you fell in love. It means kisses like those when you were first in love. Successful communication includes time, touch, shared interests, interest in the other person, acts of service, and so much more.

Shared values

The last component of today’s discussion about a happy marriage is the importance of shared values. This topic comes AFTER communication because it’s rooted in successful communication. Shared values can mean several different things. At its most basic , this is about life values….things like faith and the importance of human life.

Having a shared faith is crucial for successful marriage. The Bible talks about not being unequally yoked. You can learn more about what it means in great detail in this article, but for now understand it means that God wants us with a fellow believer. Likewise, if you don’t believe in God, then you will probably want to be with someone who feels the same way. Believers married to unbelievers creates a huge barrier between you.

Not only should you believe together, but you should grow that faith together. Take time to pray together, read Scripture together, attend church/worship together – in general bring Jesus and God into every element of your lives together.

You should also work to have shared values about what’s important in life. Be sure to discuss aging, retirement, finances and saving/spending, in-laws, sex frequency and variety, parenting decisions, how many children you want, how to spend your free time, how to clean house, how to take care of laundry…the list goes on and on! And parenting, well there are a million decisions to make there, too. The key is to talk through what you want (requires you to know what you think is important and how you feel about it) and really listen to the other person. Learn to have good speaking and listening conversations now because these conversations need to happen throughout the life of your marriage.

You CAN have a happy marriage!

So that’s it…for now. Have a good attitude, work to have successful conflict, have shared goals and memories, work on successful communication, and having shared values. As you can see, there’s a lot of sharing in a happy marriage!

I know you can do it. You can work hard and have a marriage that stands the test of time.

What’s your greatest joy in your marriage? Tell me in the comments!

With love,

🌸 Andrea

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