What I did to rescue my marriage from divorce

Our divorce story

We were married five years. I never planned to file for divorce. Life was hitting us pretty hard. We were both (still) in school, and I was working full time. I’d just been accepted to a graduate program in another state. We decided to live apart for a while so he could finish his program in Texas, then join me in Louisiana (Geaux Tigers!).

In the beginning it was pretty good. We saw each other every month or so and talked every day on the phone. About two years later, though, things got tough. Our visits that year were few – only two the whole year. We rarely talked on the phone. I made new friends, ones he’d never met. We each had separate lives. All of a sudden, the life I knew was over. My new friends convinced me to file for divorce.

We’re not unique

Our experience is not unique to us. While not everyone lives apart from their spouse, most people find they are growing apart. In many cases husbands and wives find they begin to drift apart and live separate lives. If you ask around, lots of spouses are living more as roommates than lovers. And far too many people file for divorce simply because they don’t know what else to do. This was not the life they signed up for.

I’m with you. I totally get it. No one wants to live in a seemingly loveless marriage. Yet there is hope. There are things you can do to get back on track. Even if you have kids at home, or you are empty nesters.

First things first

Ultimately, there are a few exceptions to what I’m about to say. Firstly, if you are being abused, get help. Here is the contact for the Domestic Abuse hotline. Abuse is NEVER acceptable. If you aren’t sure if you are being abused, call the hotline above.

Secondly, if one or both of you have been unfaithful, you’re in a unique circumstance. It IS possible to recover from this. But I’m not an expert in that area. Here’s a great article to get you started. In the meantime, get help from a licensed counselor.

So what did we do?

Please let me begin by saying not everything works for everyone. All of these techniques may not work for you. Also, I’m not a counselor or lawyer. I’m sharing what worked for us, to give you ideas for your own marriage. I am making no guarantees that you WON’T end up divorced. Rather, I’m giving you tools to allow you to avoid it, if possible. But marriage takes two to tango. If one person is done, it may be nearly impossible to bring them back from the brink.

1. Put God first. This is the single best thing we have done for our marriage. With God first, and Jesus’s saving grace, we focus on something outside of us. We take our eyes off of the problems and put them on the problem solver. Not sure who Jesus is or why He matters? Here’s a great article to learn about Him. The first thing to remember is God first.
2. Decide. Decide that divorce is not an option. Simply take it off the table. We don’t even use the word in our house. It’s never a threat or a possibility. We decided to burn our divorce papers and never mention the action again. We’ve talked about that time in our lives, but we don’t talk about divorce.
3. Commit. After you decide, the next logical step is to recommit. This can be as simple as quietly re-devoting your lives to each other, or making a public ceremony. We chose the former but I know couples who chose the latter. The important point is to make it intentional. Every time you are tempted to throw in the towel, remember the commitment you made to your spouse. Let that drive your actions and thoughts.
4. Date. Date each other again. Dating is crucial for marriages to succeed. There are lots of ways to date. One of my favorites is a lunch date. In short, dates give you time to focus on each other. Too often, people drift apart and stop connecting. Dates give you the opportunity to connenct.
5. Learn. Learn the skills needed for a successful, thriving marriage. You’re doing the first step by reading this article. Now move to other articles. Check out this ultimate guide for a healthy marriage. There are lots of faith-based sources for marriage improvement. Learn all you can and put what you learn into practice. Once you start, you’ll find there are limitless free resources to help your marriage. If you read only one thing, though, I recommend the Bible. It’s the best guide for life.
6. Get help. Finally, there are times we just need outside help. Even though you are learning about marriage and trying self help books, some issues need an outside eye. My husband and I have benefitted from couples counseling for issue-specific help. Not sure how to find a counselor? Let this source help you. There’s no shame in letting someone objective help you to see your marriage more clearly.

The end is the beginning

Since that time when I filed for divorce, nearly 25 years have passed. We burned the divorce papers, took the steps I’ve outlined here, and now we are about to celebrate our 30th wedding anniversary. You can do this, too! I have every faith that you can avoid divorce by putting God first, deciding, committing, dating, learning, and getting help when needed. Certainly, I am making this seem very simple. It’s simple, but not easy. Given these points, we see the divorce season of our lives as an ending that led to a great beginning.

I’ll be praying that your marriage becomes a haven for you. I pray that you become husbands and wives of faith who follow Jesus to a life better than you could ever imagine.

With love,

🌸 Andrea

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