Three simple steps to thanking your kids

Last Updated on November 13, 2024 by Andrea

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Reward Behavior = Repeat Behavior

People are pretty simple. For instance, research shows that when we reward behavior we like, people do that behavior more. Positive reinforcement indeed goes a long way! For instance, when I thank my son for taking care of the trash without being told, he is much more likely to take out the trash again. When I tell my husband how much I appreciate it when he takes the dogs out at night, he’s much more likely to do that tomorrow night, too. No matter who the family member is, they want to be rewarded for doing good things. When we thank our kids, they notice!

Sincerity Impacts Trust

Kids can spot insincerity a mile away, though. When we give a general “thanks, honey” without any emotion or acknowledging what they actually did, they think we don’t really mean what we say. If our kids doubt that we mean what we say, they begin to think they can’t trust us. A lack of trust means they are less likely to repeat good behaviors or confide in us.

Sincerity is foundational for building trust, especially between parents and their children. When children sense that their parents are sincere—meaning they genuinely mean what they say and act in alignment with their values—they feel more secure and open to what the parent has to say. This creates a family life where trust can flourish.

For instance, if you, as a parent, consistently show up with honesty and speak openly about your feelings, even if it’s just saying, “I’m tired right now, but I still want to spend time with you,” your child learns that they can rely on your words. This kind of sincerity teaches them that they don’t have to guess or worry about hidden motives; they learn that what you say is trustworthy.

Little eyes

Children also observe your actions carefully. Even young children look to see if your words match what you do. When you follow through on promises, whether it’s helping with a project or showing up at their event, it reinforces that you are someone they can trust. In contrast, when actions don’t align with words, it can erode trust, making children question the reliability of what you say.

Sincerity, therefore, is about being genuine and showing that what you say and how you act come from a place of truth. When we thank our child with sincerity, they know we mean it. This authenticity builds a sturdy bridge of trust, showing children that they can feel safe and rely on you, which is invaluable for their emotional development and sense of security in the relationship.

How to Use Gratitude to Build Your Relationship

See how a simple thank you can build successful parent-child relationships in our daily life?

Get in the habit of thanking your kids for what they do – for good behavior. It’s important to thank them, even if they were supposed to do whatever it is they did. Everyone loves to feel like their actions matter! Establishing a habit of gratitude will only help and build your relationship. While gratitude isn’t one of our basic needs (food, clothing, shelter), it is one of our needs. We want to know people notice what we do and appreciate us.

Research shows that when behavior we praise (in any relationship) tends to reinforce that behavior, making the person more likely to do it again. This cycle can begin at a young age, so don’t feel like it’s too early to start.

I don’t know about you, but I certainly want to encourage my kids to continue to do do praiseworthy things!

So read on – there’s a simple formula to get started.

We are told in Colossians 3:17 to be thankful all the time (“And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.”). While this verse means we should commit all that we say and do to Jesus, while thanking him for the gifts of our life, it also speaks to being thankful in general.

As a professor of successful communication, I believe this also means we should have an sense of gratitude at home.

Benefits of Thanking Your Kids

Many parents appreciate their kids but don’t often thank them with sincere thanks.

You may be asking yourself why you should even bother to thank them. After all, many parents believe that a child’s job is to do what they are told to do. And that may be true.

However, there are several benefits to remembering express appreciation to our kids:

1. It teaches them the behavior we are looking for.
2. It inspires them to continue that behavior (true for all kids, but even more so for those that are people pleasers).
3. It acknowledges what they did.
4. It acknowledges them as a person and a contributing member of the household.
5. It demonstrates gratitude.
6. It helps them to feel positive emotions.

Thanking our kids (or anyone, for that matter) doesn’t have to be complicated, but it should also go beyond a trite “thank you.” The following three-step thank you is a great way to get started.

The Three-Step Thank You

Use this 3-step process to showing gratitude to your kids:

1. Begin by acknowledging what they did – be specific
2. Express gratitude.
3. Explain why it was important to you.

While you’re at it,

• Be sincere.
• Don’t expect anything in reply.

People can spot insincerity a mile away, especially kids. So make sure you are being true to yourself and your child. When we communicate in a meaningful way we are pouring into our relationship. This behavior creates thankful hearts that want to please each other.

You can do this in person, by text message, or on the phone. Maybe you want to do this in front of the family at the kitchen table.  The important part is to show your children gratitude.

What to Do After the Thanks

Kids may not know how to reply if you’re just getting started, Don’t force a “you’re welcome” from them. Just thank them and be done,

Kids may also doubt your motives in the beginning. They may worry that you’re now going to ask them to do something else. That’s okay. But be sure NOT to ask them to do anything in the same conversation as your sincere thanks. Just maintain your positive attitude, even if they don’t respond. And with some kids, the lack of response is real life. Just let it pass and be glad you shared your appreciation for your child.

You can also consider starting a gratitude journal. I like mine to have two sections – one for those things I’m grateful for and one for things I’ve thanked my children for. When I get discouraged that my kids are not doing all they should be, I look back at all the times they got it right and I’m encouraged to keep going.

What Does This Look Like?

There are many easy ways to incorporate this three-step thank you. Here’s what it might look like, “Evin, I see that you did your brother’s dishes in addition to your own today. Great job! I was going to have to do them myself since he’s working today. I appreciate you helping me out – that was very mature of you!”

Need another example? How about something like, “Pamela, I really appreciate that you took care of your clothes in the bathroom. I know it seems like a little thing, but I really like to keep the floors cleaned up. I appreciate you taking responsibility like that!”

For an added bonus, look your child in the eye when you say these things. 😄

More gratitude ideas:

There are lots of ways to incorporate gratitude into our lives. These ideas help you demonstrate your own thanks but also encourage your kids’ gratitude as well. An attitude of gratitude can’t start too early! These ideas will help establish gratitude as a way of life that they can carry into their future homes as adults, too.

Gratitude jar

One is a gratitude jar. This simple technique just requires a jar, some slips of paper, and a pen/pencil. Every member of the family writes down those things they are grateful for and put the paper in the jar. Younger children may need some help with this one. Every so often – every month or quarter or year – you go through them as a family and read aloud all the gratitude everyone has felt.

Gratitude wall

You can also start a gratitude wall. In this case, put some craft paper up on the wall, provide some pens or markers and family members write their gratitude on thew all where everyone can see them. This is a great public way to demonstrate gratitude. Thankful kids are easy to live with – so encourage them to write their gratitude on the wall (in the right place!).

Gratitude journal

You can also start a gratitude journal with your child. At dinner or before bed, think of the little things you are thankful for from your day. Write them down. Number each one and have one book per year. You might be amazed at how those little things add up!

Gratitude walk

Take a gratitude walk. After dinner is the perfect time for this. Walk through your neighborhood and thank God for each one of your neighbors. Pray for any needs that you know of, as well as anything you see that may prompt prayer.

You can also take a gratitude walk through your home. Pray for each person’s belongings with thanks for God’s provision, thank God for each person and all they contribute to the family, and pray gratitude for the circumstances your family is going through. Let feelings of gratitude guide your walk through the home. Make this a regular practice.

Simple note

Sometimes a simple note is all it takes. My kids love to receive physical notes and letters, so this is a great way to express sincere thanks. Find some nice note cards and write a quick letter of appreciation and gratitude for your child. Don’t let your busy schedule get in the way of taking a moment to write a sweet note for your child.

I’ve noticed some parents make a simple thank you note on social media so that others know their child did something great. Do what works for your family!

Thank everyone!

Be sure to show gratitude to everyone in the family – your spouse and all the kids. Hard work should always be rewarded, even if that reward comes in the form of gratitude. Our kids need to know that everyone is appreciated in the family.  Modeling gratitude is the best way to ensure our kids want to express it, as well.

No matter what method you use, the important thing is to cultivate attitudes of gratitude. You want to instill a positive mindset from when kids are little. The good news is that younger kids take to this right away!

Long-Term Benefits When You Thank Your Kids

(This section was created with the help of AI)

Thanking our children can have a lasting impact on their emotional, social, and cognitive development, benefiting them at every stage of their lives. There’s a silver lining to this whole gratitude thing. Here’s a look at how expressing gratitude to our children can shape their growth positively:

1. Builds Self-Esteem and Confidence

When we thank our children—whether for small acts of help or bigger accomplishments—they learn that their efforts are valued. This acknowledgment builds their self-esteem and helps them see that their actions have a positive impact on others. Over time, this leads to a stronger sense of self-confidence as they recognize that they can make a difference and are appreciated.

2. Encourages Positive Behavior

Gratitude is a powerful reinforcement. By thanking children when they help, share, or show kindness, we’re reinforcing these behaviors, making it more likely they’ll continue them. They learn to associate positive actions with positive responses, which encourages them to continue being considerate and responsible.

3. Teaches Humility and Generosity

When children experience gratitude firsthand, whether toward themselves or other family members, they’re more likely to develop a mindset of humility and generosity. They learn that everyone, regardless of age or position, deserves acknowledgment and appreciation. As they mature, they are likely to extend this respect to others, leading to more balanced relationships.

4. Promotes a Positive Family Atmosphere

A family culture where gratitude flows freely feels supportive and connected. When children hear a sincere and specific “thank you” often, they feel valued and cared for. This positive environment helps strengthen family bonds, giving children a strong sense of belonging and security that they can carry into their relationships outside the home.

5. Enhances Mental Health

Feeling appreciated and valued is essential for emotional well-being. When parents show gratitude to their children, it communicates acceptance and love, which reduces stress and can relieve feelings of anxiety or loneliness. As children grow in this nurturing environment, this foundation of feeling appreciated can help them build resilience and face challenges with a positive mindset.

6. Models a Life Skill That Extends into Adulthood

Thanking our children teaches them a skill that serves them well throughout life. Children who grow up with gratitude tend to develop an attitude of thankfulness and appreciation as adults. They’re more likely to have positive relationships with others, express gratitude at work, and maintain strong, respectful relationships.

By thanking our children, we’re giving them more than just words of appreciation; we’re giving them life skills and values that will support their well-being, relationships, and self-worth far into adulthood.

Saying thank you does not have to be difficult and only requires a bit of time. There are many simple ways to get started. The importance of gratitude cannot be overstated, though. Next time your child does something good, say thank you!

Over time, your child will love hearing the praise and will go out of his/her way to do things you’ll notice. You’re not spoiling your child to acknowledge what they do as a contributing member of your family. You’re treating them with respect. And that’s a very good thing.

What can you thank your kids for this week? Let us know in the comments.

Be well,

🌸 Andrea

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