Silence: A successful Parenting Strategy

Last Updated on March 21, 2023 by Andrea

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A typical after school day

My son got in the car after a long day in school. He’s a freshman at a public high school for the first time. His elementary and middle school was a small, private school. Now he’s swimming with the big fish. Big fish who hurt each other, smoke in the classroom, and curse teachers out. He sees more in a day than I can ever imagine. I know because he tells me all about it (well, mostly).

He shoves his bag in the foot area, drops into the seat, and heaves a big sigh.

“That sounds like a pretty long day,” I say. He looks at me quizzically. “That was a pretty big sigh,” I explain.

“Yeah,” he says. Then nothing.

And I wait. A few minutes later he starts talking about the unexpected pep rally for upperclassmen today…one that forced underclassmen to stay in the same room for well over an hour. He talks about not being able to get any work done (they were supposed to be watching the rally) and the two fights that happened during the day. He talks about the changes to the classrooms some teachers have made to try and prevent kids from smoking in class.

Meanwhile, I give vocalized silence – “mm” or “mhm,” “really?”

Eventually I ease into talking, but only about his day for most of the ride home. I want him to be free to unload what’s happened.

Not until we are at home do I tell him the two things I want him to do before we leave for BJJ tonight. He probably already knew them, but it was good to reinforce.

Silence

Silence is often perceived as a bad thing. We get nervous when someone isn’t talking. Very rarely do we have relationships in which we can sit in comfortable silence. In truth, silence communicates a great deal.

Words are important, for sure. And listening is a major component of successful communication. But silence gives space for others to think and talk. Silence allows for connection that moves beyond words.

Silence gives space

In my experience, and supported by research, silence gives kids a chance to think, process, and formulate what they want to say. Far too often, adults are talking and talking. Generally all that talking includes lessons, corrections, and action items. It can be truly exhausting to be a kid!

When parents practice times of silence with their kids, they are giving their kids the freedom of space.

And if it’s after school, silence can be golden. Kids have had teachers talking to them all day long. A bit of silence can often be a welcome addition to the post-school time.

I know, some kids will just get on their phones and scroll social media or text with friends. That’s okay too. There’s a place for that (and in the car may be better than during dinner). Interestingly, my son will often talk while he’s scrolling. He’ll tell me about his day or what he sees on social media. This leads to some very interesting conversations!

How to put it into practice

I know we all want our kids to talk with us. I’m here to say that silence can help foster an environment for your kids to talk. Really.

Here’s what that can look like:

• Ask a key, open-ended question and then be still. Give your child space to answer. This may be something like, “What was the most exciting thing that happened today?” The answer doesn’t matter. Pay attention and let him/her talk.
• Make a general statement, like I did today in the example above. Some general comment about their day or that it’s good to see them works well. “It’s good to see you after a long day” is something I regularly say to my kids. It sounds a bit corny, but it let’s them know we actually like to be with them.
• Practice vocalized silence. This is silence with listening sounds. “Mmm,” “Mhm,” “uh huh,” even the occational word like “really?” or “seriously?” Anything to show you’re listening and to encoruage them to keep talking.
• Sometimes your silence won’t bring about words. That’s okay. Say something loving or supportive and then just be silent. I usually have the radio on or a library audio book that my son would be interested in (Everybody Always by Bob Goff was a huge hit with this son) for background noise. Not so loud to detract from conversation, but loud enough to fill in gaps.
• Silence works at home, as well. I find that when my sons are unusually cranky they are generally stressed. And silence works exceptionally well then. Little tidbits of love and support, followed by silence communicates respect.

Bringing it together

Giving our kids time to think, deal with stress, process their day, and speak freely about what’s happening in their world helps their mental health, too. It lets them know that we accept them for who they are. We are happy to hear about what’s happening with them, but not with an agenda. That unconditional support goes a long way toward a child having a healthy self concept.

The silence also helps kids to find more words. When we aren’t prodding them and pushing our own words, they find theirs. They begin to express themselves and talk about their experiences, even those they observed in the world around them. Silence tells them that parents aren’t only good for lessons and correction – parents can be good listeners. Silence also lets them know they can talk to us. Sometimes that leads to some difficult conversations down the road, though. Be sure to pray before entering those!

Finally, silence allows them to process their day. By not asking too many questions and allowing them to think through it all, we give them a chance to really put the day behind them.

There’s a time to give lessons, to correct, and to assign tasks. There’s also a time for silence. The key is knowing the difference. Practice in your own home and I think you’ll soon see the value of silence with your child.

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How do you use productive silence in your home? Tell us in the comments below!

With love,

🌸 Andrea

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