It’s an inside joke: Family stories and satisfaction

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One of my family’s stories is about the holidays. Every Christmas Eve, my family celebrated a Polish tradition, handed down from generation to generation. The meal includes seven homemade courses and a couple of side dishes. It’s a pretty stressful meal to make, but we love it. Every year my mom would stress about the prep. Eventually she would be nearly crying and flustered that no one was helping. We would finally sit down to eat. During one particular course, my dad’s least favorite, he would make negative comments about that particular dish. Then we would serve it and he would say, “Nell, that was better than ever!” Every year. And every year Mom would realize we really do care about the meal and the tradition.

When my sisters and I tell this story, we can often finish each other’s sentences. We’ve come to realize that we all remember this recurring story the same. Mom gets upset, Dad complains, Dad compliments Mom, Mom is happy.

What counts as a family story?

All families tell stories. Some research says that during a family dinner as many as five or six stories may be told. That’s a good number of stories in one sitting!

Family stories are any narrative we tell about our family. It might be a story a single member tells someone else or it could be a memory shared by the family to someone outside the family. It can also be a shared memory – when we tell family stories together. These usually begin with, “Remember when…”

Family stories can be happy or sad, positive or negative, recent or long ago. There is no “rule” about what makes it a story. It just needs to be something the family experienced together, or a subset of family members experienced it together.

Stories serve a purpose

All family stories serve a purpose. They tell the world who you are as a family. Family narratives give glimpses into each person’s personality and the family dynamic as a whole. If a story is told about a stressful event and one family tells it as a funny memory while the other tells it as a cautionary tale, we learn different things about each family. Regardless, we learn that the stories bind the family together through shared experiences.

Family stories also help build a family identity. Inside jokes and private memories help us to identify with one another as unique individuals. We learn that our family is unique with its own experiences. That uniqueness can make us feel special.

When we tell faith stories we remind ourselves the importance of faith for our family. For instance, we’ve been attending some different churches the last few months. At the most recent one the pastor said something my kids thought was hilarious. That’s now become part of our family story. Retelling it reminds them the importance of faith in our daily lives.

What does research say?

One researcher sought to uncover how family stories are related to family identity. She found that families with stories about culture and tradition tended to be more engaging, dynamic, attentive, and confirming – all positive attributes for a family.

She also found that family narratives are directly related to family satisfaction. The more we tell together, the more satisfied we tend to be.

Her study also showed that “we-statements” show the family bonding together and those families tended to be more collaborative. The more the families talked about who they were as a group, the more engaged, dynamic, attentive, and integrated they were.

Finally, when family members confirmed each other’s perspective during story telling (not fighting about “how it went” or contradicting each other), the families tended to have higher cohesion, adaptability, satisfaction, and overall positive family functioning.

How to tell a good family story

• Think about traditions and culture – who are you really? What stories contribute to that identity? Tell those!
• Remember times that you worked together for a positive outcome and share those memories. Focus on the togetherness and the group win.
• Spend time discussing memories and come to agreement on what really happened. This helps present a unified story that builds the family’s commitment and cohesion.
• Enjoy each other! Laugh at yourselves and bask in the memories.

Clearly, family stories are directly related to family functioning. With a little positive communication, families can create a narrative that supports who they are and builds unity over time.

I’d love to hear one of your family stories! Share it in the comments section below.

🌸 Andrea

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