How to respond when your kids aren’t listening to you

Last Updated on December 18, 2024 by Andrea

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Perhaps you’re familiar with this listening scenario.

You pick up your child(ren) from school and race home.

You’ve worked all day and you have a long list of household items that need to be completed once you get home.

The kids have after-school/evening activities, so you all need to leave again very soon.

You shout a “to do” list at the kids while hurriedly changing clothes and trying to figure out what’s for dinner.

The kids likely either don’t respond or shout back some vague acknowledgment, but take no action on the list.

Sad reality

Had we taken a second, though, and looked at them or listened to their tone, we might have been able to communicate in a way that actually helped us reach our goals.

I’m guilty of this, too. My list is much longer than I’ll ever have time to complete and everyone has a role to play. Some days it’s truly exhausting to really pay attention to everyone. But my kids know when I don’t…and I can feel it in our relationship when I’m not tuning in.

A real-life example

Let’s look at a specific scenario. At the time of this writing, my Son 2 is 13 years old and eating everything in sight. While I’ll put off eating to get something done, that’s not how he’s wired right now.

When we get home from school he has about 1.5 hours until we have to leave again for his Brazilian Ju-Jitsu practice. He still needs to grab a snack, take care of his lunchbox, do homework, empty the dishwasher, take out the recycling, be sure his gi is ready to go, and walk his dog.

Of course, he would say that an after-school snack is the most important thing to do!

So I holler the list and he gives a vague “yes, ma’am” (clear clue he’s not listening)- knowing I’m heading out of the room for a bit. He finds a snack and settles down to leisurely scroll on his phone while eating. I come back, find nothing done, and want to blow a gasket.

We’re all familiar with this.

What’s really happening with our kids?

• They’ve had people (adults) talking AT them all day long.
• Brainwork (i.e., school) is TIRING!
• They are growing and legit need food.
• They may not have used the bathroom all day and really need to go.
• They know the home stuff will get done. Either they have it in the back of their mind and plan to take care of it, or they know we will yell again later to get it done, or they know we’ll do it ourselves. Regardless, their priority is checking out and resting for a few minutes.

Listening reality check.

We need to be the adult. And I’m talking to myself too! While we all want “good behavior” from our kids, sometimes our expectations are higher for our kids than they are for ourselves. Not everyone comes right home and jumps into work at home. Many of us take a few minutes for a drink (wine, beer, coffee…) and time to read or scroll on our phone. We shouldn’t expect our kids to jump from one job (school) to another (home) if we aren’t willing to do the same thing. We all do hard work during the day and need a break.

In the above scenario, each of us was totally focused on our own needs. We can demonstrate putting others’ needs first (Philippians 2:3) by paying attention to our kids.

Really look at your kids:

Phone in hand? ✅

Earbuds in? ✅

Far-away tone when they answer? ✅

All of these are nonverbal communication cues telling us that they need to check out for a bit and stop listening for a while. It may not seem like this is listening but it really is. We listen with our ears and our eyes. Poor listening happens when we only hear words and not nonverbal cues. Strong parents pay attention to what is being said as well as what is not being said.

I know that we want the chores done. And we worked all day and want a break too. But, again, we’re the adults.

If this routine repeats itself in your home, consider a few things:

1. Do those chores have to be done right after school? Can they be done later in the evening? Can any of them wait until a day with no after-school activities … or the weekend?
2. Does that person have to do that chore? As my oldest began his first job during his senior year a few months ago, I realized that some of his chores needed to be re-allocated. Is this fun? No. Does this mean that Son 2 and I need to pick up some of the slack? Yes. But that’s life, too.
3. How much time is reasonable to give your child to unwind? My kids need a solid 15-20 minutes to do their own thing. Driving home with us in the car is NOT relaxing for them, even if they are on their phone (I talk more about that here).

By paying attention to our kids’ nonverbal behavior, we can help them learn to

• self-regulate (a form of self-control, a fruit of the spirit in Galatians 5:22)
• accomplish both our goals and their goals
• demonstrate respect for others’ needs
• learn how to really listen
• and begin developing healthy family communication patterns

Building Mutual Respect Through Active Listening

After school, young children often experience an array of emotions, from excitement to exhaustion, which can make it difficult for them to focus on what their parents are asking of them. Strengthening the parent-child relationship during this time requires patience and intentional communication while we practice active listening skills. By practicing active listening, parents can better understand their child’s behavior and respond in a positive way. This approach fosters mutual respect, laying the foundation for a stronger connection. If you can accompany your listening with gentle touches on the arm or a gentle hug, they feel a physical connection with the emotional connection they get from feeling heard. This positive attention goes a long way to helping your child feel secure and loved.

The Power of Direct Commands

When giving instructions, it’s essential to use a direct command that leave little room for misunderstanding, while you get down to their eye level so they see you. For example, instead of saying, “Can you pick up your backpack?” opt for a straightforward, “Pick up your backpack now, please.” The former asks them a question, the latter tells them what to do. This clarity helps ensure your child knows exactly what is expected first thing, reducing the likelihood of repeated reminders. This clarity goes a long way to children knowing the expectations.

If a child is having a hard time following through, calmly reiterate the command with empathy, reinforcing the importance of good behavior. Inevitably they won’t always obey. In those cases there need to know the negative consequence for disobedience. In our house that was generally a loss of privilege (like screen time, tv time, or dessert after dinner.

Keep in mind

Keep in mind that school-aged children should have slightly different expectations than younger children. Parents of toddlers know that obedience is learned and they require lots more hands-on instruction than the older children. Also, sometimes a child’s misbehavior is just them being children. We can’t expect them to be perfect. It’s our job as parents to know the difference between disobedience and childishness.

Encouraging Cooperation Through Positive Reinforcement

The next time your child listens and follows directions after school, be sure to acknowledge their efforts in a positive way. There are different ways to do this. Highlighting good behavior, such as saying, “Thank you for cleaning up when I asked,” reinforces their actions and encourages cooperation in the future. I know this sounds silly, but I promise it works! I do this with my kids still, at 16 and 20, and it still works. These moments not only build confidence in young children but also strengthen the bond of trust between parent and child. Ultimately, mutual respect grows as both parties feel valued and heard, paving the way for more harmonious interactions.

Next Steps

The problem is, we don’t often take the time to do that. I encourage you to take some time to slow down and really look at what your child is saying with his/her nonverbals in the coming days.

So the first step is to observe your child(ren). Do they clearly need a break?

Next, evaluate what really needs to be done. The dog MUST go to the bathroom and the gear needs to be ready for the after-school activity. But do the dishes have to be done right after school? Can homework wait until after dinner? How can you build in some down time for your kids after school?

Once you know what has to be done, make eye contact with your child and be clear about what needs to be done.

You’ll learn a lot about why he/she isn’t really paying attention (not listening).

Then you can make purposeful communication choices to reach your goals and their goals. In doing so, you’ll likely lower stress AND improve your relationship with love. That’s a pretty big win. 🥇

Be well!

💝 Andrea

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