Family Stories: What to do When You Don’t Agree

The power of a story

My husband loves to tell the story of when he first came to visit me at my house when we started dating. At the time I was living with my parents at home. I told him to “make a left at the (local) church, come down the hill, right at the lake, then turn at the sheep.” No street names. Random country landmarks. He thinks it’s hilarious. No matter that the directions were spot on and he found it just fine! I remember that time and he’s totally right about those directions. We always get a good laugh about this.

Sometimes we don’t agree about stories. We tend to remember some stories differently. For instance, we remember a particularly difficult time in our lives differently. We agree he was working and at school a lot, but our experiences of that time are very different, so we tell the story very differently. We just don’t agree on how that season went for our family.

Why agreeing about stories is important

At the surface, not agreeing about a story is no big deal. I mean, it happened in the past, right? Who cares that we don’t agree? Well, John Gottman, a relationship guru, says that the way we remember stories impacts our marriage. Having a shared memory – one in which we agree what happened, is one characteristic of a successful, healthy, long-term marriage.

Gottman has studied marriage for years and knows what successful long-term marriages look like. When couples are successful they tell stories in the same way. They remember what happened similarly and can even finish each others’ sentences about the story. It doesn’t matter if the story really happened that way, the key is remembering it the same as your spouse.

What do do when you don’t agree about stories

If having shared memories about your history is important, how do you make that happen? Well, first, do NOT disagree about it in front of a room full of people. Contradicting your spouse in public never goes over well. Doing so demeans your spouse and that does not contribute to a happy, healthy marriage.

Second, make a mental note about the story you are disagreeing about. You will want to remember this later so you can work toward a shared memory.

Third, find time to talk about the story. Lunch dates are a great time for this. Tell your spouse that you want to talk about a story. Ask your spouse how he remembers the story. Tell how you remember the story. Work through why you don’t agree about the story. You may discover some reason that you remember it differently. It could be you remember different perspectives of the story, but can see it from his view, as well. Work toward a shared memory of this time.

Next time the story is told, take joy in knowing you have this shared memory and a story you agree on.

What’s your favorite family story?

🌸 Andrea

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