Communication in Newlywed Marriages

Building a Strong Foundation: Communication in Newlywed Marriages

When I was a newlywed, I thought our communication would always be great – like it was when we were dating. I thought it would all be hearts and flowers and he would listen like the man of my dreams that he was.

Fast forward nearly 30 years. He listens, but not quite like he did when we were first married. He has a lot more on his mind now, and a lot more responsibilities. The demands on his life are much greater than they ever were before. So, he gets distracted. If I don’t take time to understand this, I might get frustrated that he’s not listening. Rather, I know there are times to talk and times to be silent. Sometimes he just needs time to be still and do his own thing.

If I didn’t have good communication skills from the beginning, I would probably be struggling now. But we laid a good foundation, we have the ability to adapt to our changing situations over time.

Introduction

Communication is key to all successful, healthy, and happy relationships. When we communicate well, we do so in a way that is personally effective (helps us reach our goals) and socially appropriate (takes the other person into consideration). This blog focus is all about helping teach successful communication skills for happy, healthy relationships.

Effective communication is especially crucial in newlywed marriages as it sets the tone for the future. The behaviors and patterns we start with tend to be lasting ones. So, start strong!

Understanding the Basics of Communication

Communication in marriage is especially important because this is the person you’ll spend every day with – day in and day out. It is crucial to learn to communicate your thoughts and feelings in a way that takes your spouse into consideration. There’s no better time to start than when you are a newlywed!

Communication is a broad subject – I’ve spent more than 20 years studying it!

Key components of effective communication include listening, verbal and nonverbal channels of communication, knowing our own mind, empathy, decision making, and conflict management.

Communication is essential for not only asserting our opinion or feelings but for navigating conflict. When we successfully negotiate conflict, we build a stronger relationship.

Challenges in Communication for Newlyweds

There are several challenges to newlyweds and their communication. One is that you come from different families. Every family communicates differently – handles conflict, decision making, listening, technology, and feelings differently. These different families and life experiences created a unique communication style for each of you. Those styles may not always “mesh” as well as you would like.

Marriages are also hotbeds of unmet expectations. Far too often in marriage, one party does not share his/her expectations, then gets upset when those expectations are not met. Communication is required to have our expectations met.

If these style differences are not addressed early, or are pushed under the rug, then the couple sets themselves up for disaster later filled with conflict and more unmet expectations. It’s important to discover what we think and want, then learn how to communicate it clearly, with love, to our spouse.

Strategies for Effective Communication as a Newlywed

Here are some basic communication skills to begin practicing. I’m keeping it simple so you can have manageable goals and a successful start at this whole marriage communication thing!

Listening –

At its core, we need to listen more than we talk. Really try to understand where your spouse is coming from. What is he/she trying to say to you? Are you clear what he/she is feeling? What are his/her experiences? Listen for the 5Ws and an H – who, what, where, why, when, and how. Who is being talked about? What happened? What does your spouse think about that? Where did this happen? Why did it happen? Why did they respond the way they did? When will things change? When will your spouse get involved? How do they feel about it all?

Know your mind –

Far too often we jump into a conversation without really knowing what we think. We haven’t evaluated our thoughts on a given topic. Last week my husband asked if I wanted to go see our son at college after our other son had a bjj tournament. We would be about halfway there, so it made sense to head up. “We can take him out for dinner” my husband said. I agreed but didn’t really think it through. You see, I had a quilting meeting already planned for that weekend and I was leaving for a week-long trip on Monday morning.

I agreed before I really thought about how I felt about it. Had I taken the time to know my own mind, I might have brought up these concerns and we might have stayed home. The outcome isn’t really the point – the point is that I should have taken the time to think about the details before committing.

Communicate your expectations –

Let the person know what you are thinking or what you would like. Starting this communication behavior early, when you are a newlywed, is crucial. Far too many couples don’t learn to do this and conflict is the natural result. Rather, take time to let your spouse know what you would like from them (expect). For instance, I take care of our home and animals. However, I really hate taking out the three dogs at night before bed. I let my husband know that I would love for him to take them out on nights that he’s home (he works nights). I have communicated that I would like the dogs to be his responsibility at night. If I don’t tell him this, I can’t get upset if he doesn’t take them out before bed.

Clarify understanding –

This one goes along with communicating our expectations. When we clarify our expectations, we let someone know what we want or expect of them. When we clarify our understanding, we ensure we are on the same page as our spouse. Back to the example from last weekend – my husband said we could take our son out for dinner. I thought that meant we would be coming home very late that night. I was fine with that. It took me a while to catch on that he also wanted to spend the night up there. My understanding was that we were coming home – his was that we were going to stay. We would have had a lot less stress had I communicated my understanding up front.

Kiss! –

This might seem like a strange communication tip, but it’s crucial! You may not know this yet as a newlywed, but many couples stop kissing over time. Life gets busy, kids demand our attention. Kissing goes by the wayside. Kissing keeps us connected. So put on some lip gloss, put your phone down, grab a mint, and lock lips!

Put it down –

When your spouse wants to talk, or kiss, or asks you questions, put your phone down. Whatever is happening on your phone can wait – your spouse will be with you forever, the phone really doesn’t need your attention right away (in most cases. Certainly, there are some emergency exceptions.).

Building Trust Through Communication

Open and honest communication fosters trust in a marriage, and that begins when you are a newlywed. When we know our feelings and communicate them clearly and honestly, our spouse can trust us to be honest. Our spouse knows we aren’t playing games with his/her emotions. Simple, straightforward communication is trustworthy behavior.

Other ways we can build trust in marriage involve not talking bad about our spouse to others. When we insult them, we are eroding our relationship one word at a time. We also build trust when we do what we say we will do. Even if we no longer want to. Did you agree to stop at the store after work? Go do it. Even if you’re tired. Finally, be (lovingly) honest. You don’t have to be brutal – but tell him/her what you think. This skill can be difficult, but it builds trust as your spouse can rely on your sincere responses.

Conclusion

All this to say, communication is one of the most important skills you can practice in your new marriage. And never stop! Keep practicing your communication skills throughout your married life. With each new season, new skills are needed. So, keep at it.

I encourage you to prioritize your communication and work together to build a strong foundation for your marriage. Congratulations, Newlywed!

With love,

🌸 Andrea

Additional Resources for Newlyweds

Love Talk Starters: “Love Talk Starters is the perfect tool for better understanding each other. Each page offers creative, surprising, fun, and deep questions designed to engage couples in the romance-building conversations every thriving marriage needs.”

Sacred Marriage Devotions –   This devotional comes from one of my all-time favorite marriage books – Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas. From the publisher, this book, “explores how God can reveal Himself to you through your marriage and help you grow closer to Him as well as to your spouse.”

Getting Your Sex Life off to a Great Start – Regardless of whether you had sex before marriage, married sex is its own unique experience. Get started with a healthy frame of mind as a newlywed. From the publisher, “Many couples put more planning into the wedding ceremony than they do for what comes after the wedding. Intelligent, deliberate preparation for a lifetime of sexual pleasure is a worthy investment you won’t regret. In Getting Your Sex Life off to a Great Start, renowned sexual counselors and best-selling authors Clifford and Joyce Penner guide you through an encouraging process that begins by dispelling sexual myths and then guides you in getting to know yourself and each other emotionally and physically.”

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