Five Reasons Why We Say Hurtful Things to Those We Love

When we say hurtful things

We’ve all had times where we say hurtful things to those we love the most. It’s mystifying how we can hurt the very people we love the most with our words. Whether it’s a spouse, family member, or close friend, the pain caused by harsh words can leave deep scars that remain long after the moment has passed.

I am embarrassed to admit that I sometimes lash out at my husband. I get all defensive, when he’s really not trying to irritate me. I accuse him of not caring or I deny something simply to protect myself. But from what? He’s the person I love most in this world. I’m totally safe with him.

Why does this happen? Why do we sometimes lash out at those we love? Understanding the reasons behind this behavior is essential to fostering healthier, more loving relationships.

In this article, we’ll explore five key reasons why we say hurtful things to those we care about, supported by Scripture, and offer practical ways to become more loving in our interactions.

Five reasons why we say hurtful things to those we love

Emotional Vulnerability

When we are emotionally close to someone, we are more vulnerable. This vulnerability can sometimes lead to defensive behaviors, where we strike out with hurtful words as a way of protecting ourselves.

Even after 30 years I know I resist being emotionally vulnerable. You’d think I’d be over all that, but it still rears its ugly head. So, I get defensive and put up walls between me and my sweet husband.

Yet Proverbs 15:1 reminds us that “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”

When I recognize what sets me off and choose to respond with gentleness, I can help avoid saying things I may later regret. When I recognize what makes me put up those walls, I can avoid saying hurtful things to those I love.

What triggers you? What does your spouse say or do that makes you feel instantly vulnerable? Knowing these things in advance helps us to be able to live out this Scripture.

Stress and Frustration

Life’s pressures can build up, and when we’re stressed or frustrated, we might unintentionally take it out on those closest to us. I’m totally guilty of this! When stress piles on – from kids to work – we often hurt those we love the most. Instead of yelling at the checkout person at the store, we yell at our spouse or our kids. Please understand, I’m not advocating yelling at the checkout person, either! But we often save our best behavior for strangers.

James 1:19 advises, “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.”

Again, being self-aware is the key to offsetting this reason why we say hurtful things to those we love most. When I know I’m stressed and frustrated, I can do things to relax and calm down. Taking time to cool down and process our emotions before speaking can prevent hurtful exchanges. Need some ideas? Here’s a list of ways to relax and cool down.

Unresolved Conflict

Lingering conflicts can fester beneath the surface, leading to resentment that manifests in harsh words. This happens in families that don’t have a clear conflict resolution plan.

Conflict may not always be addressed right away, and that’s okay. My husband is a thinker. He takes time to think something through from every angle before he’s ready to talk about it. Me? I’m a “talk to figure it out” kind of person. But after 30 years we have figured out a system for dealing with conflict that works for us.

Ephesians 4:26-27 warns, “In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.”

Addressing issues directly and promptly can help prevent resentment from poisoning our relationships. Keep in mind that “directly and promptly” looks different for every family. Find a solution that works for your family. While you’re at it, be sure to teach it to your kids so they have a good strategy later in life.

Miscommunication 

Sometimes, hurtful things are said simply because of a misunderstanding or poor communication. Other times, noise (the “stuff” happening around us in the conversation) causes miscommunication. We don’t always know there’s a misunderstanding when it happens.

I can’t tell you how many times I leave a conversation with my husband, fully believing we are on the same page, only to find out later when he says or does something that I realize we were totally on different pages! As a communication expert I find this very frustrating! But I also know it’s normal. Misunderstandings are part of life. The key is to not let them force us to say hurtful things to those we love most.

Ephesians 4:29 encourages us, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs.”

Being clear and intentional with our words can help avoid unnecessary hurt. This means knowing our own mind before we begin a conversation. How do you feel about the situation? What solution seems best to you? How much do you really care about this topic? How invested are you with the situation? If you can answer these questions, and communicate them to your loved one, you are well on your way to living out this Scripture.

Lack of Self-Control

In moments of anger or frustration, we may lack the self-control needed to hold back unkind words. No one wants to admit they lack self-control, but the fact is, sometimes we all do. Whether it’s because of stress, hormones, or over-stimulation we lose control and say hurtful things to those we love the most.

This happens to me, and I always regret lashing out. I get over-stimulated and say things I wish I hadn’t. This has happened in several relationships that I cherish. I’ve learned that I need to keep God at the center of my life and work to avoid being over-stimulated. To do that, I take lots of breaks in my day to do something soothing. For me that’s baking or reading. Do what works for you, though!

Galatians 5:22-23 speaks of the fruit of the Spirit, including self-control.

Cultivating this fruit through prayer and intentional practice can help us respond with love rather than lashing out. I can’t say enough about the role of prayer in marriage to help avoid saying things that hurt our loved ones. When we give our frustrations, stress, and life over to God, we can trust everything will be handled perfectly, leaving us to communicate with love.

Conclusion

Understanding why we sometimes hurt those we love is the first step toward change.

By recognizing our vulnerabilities, managing stress, resolving conflicts, improving communication, and exercising self-control, we can transform our relationships and speak with kindness, even in difficult moments.

As Colossians 3:14 encourages us, “And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.” Let us strive to speak words that heal, uplift, and reflect the love of Christ in our closest relationships.

With love,

🌸 Andrea

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