Why Is Christian Dating So Weird?

by Matthew Townend

NOTE FROM ANDREA: I’m thrilled to have a guest post today from Matthew Townend. I love that my friends get a different perspective than usual, but still in line with the faith-forward focus you’ve come to expect. If you enjoyed “Waiting on God for a Spouse” you should appreciate this one, too. I hope you enjoy!

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Let’s be honest: Christian dating is weird. Not bad. Not wrong. Just… undeniably, almost charmingly weird. Like a church potluck where someone brought sushi. You respect the effort, but you also don’t totally trust it.

Working for dating app, I’ve heard a lot of people talk about dating (and not dating, and almost-dating, and “I-thought-we-were-dating-but-then-he-said-God-told-him-no”), I can tell you: it’s not just you. This thing we call Christian dating has its own subculture, language, rules, and unspokens —and it can feel less like falling in love and more falling on your face.

The List (aka Your Ideal Spouse, But Make It Impossible)

Ah the list. That mythical scroll of traits your future spouse must possess in order to be considered “God’s best” for you. Tall but humble. Funny but deeply theological. Ambitious but always available for 3-hour phone calls. Plays acoustic guitar and leads mission trips—but also has a stable job.

I actually had the pleasure of someone reading me their “list” and I genuinely thought they were describing a Marvel character. Don’t get me wrong—standards are important. But sometimes “the list” becomes less about discernment and more about self-sabotage disguised as spiritual discernment. At some point, we have to ask: is this really about faith, or are we just afraid of choosing wrong?

The “God Card”

Now, I’m not saying God doesn’t speak. He does. But if I had a dollar for every time someone has been ghosted by divine revelation, I’d be able to open my own retreat center for singles.

One woman I met got coffee with a guy from her church group. He asked thoughtful questions, complimented her oat milk choice, even suggested they do it again. Then two days later: “I prayed about it. God said no.”

Now, I don’t doubt he prayed. But it’s wild how often God’s answer sounds suspiciously like fear of commitment.

Sometimes people use the “God card” to bow out gently. But sometimes it’s just a way to avoid the simple truth: dating is scary. Especially in Christian circles, where there’s this unspoken pressure that going out for a coffee is one step away from the altar.

Tick-Tock-Tick-Tock

Let’s talk about the timeline pressure. In a lot of churches, it feels like everyone your age is either married, engaged, or aggressively looking. There’s this lingering sense that if you’re still single past 25, something has gone spiritually wrong. Like maybe you missed your season.

One of my friends told me once, “I feel like I’m letting God down by not being married yet.” This guy was 28. Twenty-eight. I wanted to shake the hell out of him.

Here’s the thing: that pressure doesn’t make people choose better. It makes them choose faster. And in some cases, more awkwardly.

Another of my friends said she didn’t even like her boyfriend that much—she just felt like if she said no, she might miss her only chance. That’s not dating. That’s panic shopping.

Dating by Committee

In regular dating, you might tell your best friend you like someone. In Christian dating, you tell your small group, your pastor, and occasionally your mum (this is a huge mistake by the way – don’t tell mom until you know it’s serious!). Then they all pray about it and check in weekly to ask, “So… how’s he doing?”

Don’t get me wrong—community is great. But when you’re trying to figure out if you actually like someone, it’s hard to do that with 12 voices weighing in and a spreadsheet of character traits. You start evaluating potential partners like a hiring committee.

Why We Keep Trying Anyway

Despite all of this, I love that people in Christian communities still take dating seriously. It means people are looking for something meaningful. They want shared faith, shared values, and a relationship that actually lasts. They’re just… also really awkward about it.

But awkward isn’t the worst thing. Awkward is the price of honesty sometimes. It’s the toll for vulnerability. And maybe that’s not a bad thing.

Final Thoughts

If Christian dating feels weird to you, you’re not broken. You’re not behind. You’re not imagining it. In fact, you’re probably approaching it with the right heart and the right motivations. And guess what? You’re not alone in that.

So the next time someone says they’re “waiting on the Lord” but you know they just haven’t downloaded SALT yet—give them grace. And give yourself some too. We’re all figuring this out together.

And maybe—just maybe—the next weird coffee date won’t be so weird after all.

Or it will be. But you’ll at least have a great story to tell your friends.

Matthew Townend is a staff writer for the SALT + Life Blog who loves writing and is passionate about seeing people come alive and step into their identity in Christ. Besides that, he’s a huge nerd who loves gaming, anime, and board games. He’s happily married and has a 1-year-old little boy.

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