What to do when You’re the Only Spouse Trying in Marriage

In my marriage, it sometimes feels like I’m the only spouse trying. Like I’m the only one who wants to make this marriage as good as it can possibly be. Yet after 31 years of marriage, I also know that my husband feels that way sometimes, too.

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Introduction

Marriage takes two—but what happens when it feels like you’re the only spouse trying?

Maybe you’re the one praying, initiating conversations, seeking intimacy, or working to make things better… and it feels like your spouse has checked out. It’s lonely. It’s exhausting. And it can shake your faith.

But you are not alone—and your effort is not unseen. God sees every act of love, every silent prayer, and every tear you cry. If you’re in a season where your spouse isn’t showing up the way you hoped, this post is for you.

You’re Not Alone—Even If It Feels That Way

The most important point is to remember that you are not alone. God’s word reminds us that God sees and understands our pain.  “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” – Psalm 34:18

God really does care for what we are going through. He made marriage and He wants it to be successful. Yet he also understands how difficult this life can be. Jesus Christ lived and walked this Earth too. He understands first-hand how challenging relationships can be. Read the Gospels to see the ways Jesus handled such situations.

Acknowledge the Struggle

There is an emotional toll of carrying the emotional and spiritual weight alone. A difficult marriage can make us feel forgotten by our spouse and God. Even in Christian marriages we can feel like we are doing the work all by ourselves. Yet God is with us. He knows the struggle.

It’s okay to acknowledge the struggle – it’s real. And experience tells me that your spouse may also be feeling the struggle though a bit differently. This situation is one that calls for open communication and prayer together. When we share the burden with each other and with God we can reduce its’ weight.

Remember: God is not distant from marital pain. He created marriage, He lived on Earth, and He knows what you are going through.

God Honors Faithful Love, Even When It’s One-Sided

Even if you are the only spouse trying in your marriage, God will honor your faithful love. The word of God is clear that there is quiet power in a believing spouse’s faithful witness (1 Peter 3:1–2). When we go about God’s business, focused on Him, we serve Him and show others (our spouse, in this case) that God’s plan is bigger and better than our own.

Your Faithfulness Matters, Even When It Isn’t Reciprocated

It can be deeply discouraging to pour yourself into your marriage and feel like your efforts go unnoticed or unreturned. However, your faithfulness is not in vain. God sees every moment you spend working to honor your covenant, even when it feels one-sided. The Bible reminds us in Galatians 6:9, “Let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap if we do not give up.” This verse is a testament to the fact that God values perseverance, and your steadfast love for your spouse is a reflection of His love for us.

Faithfulness in marriage isn’t just about the results you see—it’s about walking in obedience to God’s design for marriage. (Want to know more about this idea? Check out this book – Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas – it’s my very favorite marriage book and changed the way I viewed marriage when I finally dedicated my marriage to God.)

Even when your spouse may not meet you halfway, your actions and attitudes can have a powerful, silent influence. God can use your quiet perseverance to plant seeds of renewal in your marriage in ways you may not see immediately. Trust that He is working through you, even in seasons of difficulty; count on the Holy Spirit to guide you as you serve God and seek a marriage that honors Him.

God Honors Obedience and Trust, Even in Difficulty

The Bible is filled with examples of God blessing those who remain obedient and trusting during challenging times. One powerful example is the story of Ruth. After losing her husband, Ruth chose to stay with her mother-in-law, Naomi, instead of returning to her own family. Her loyalty, faithfulness, and trust in God’s plan ultimately led to her redemption and a new chapter of blessing. Ruth became the great-grandmother of King David, a lineage through which Jesus Christ would come.

Consider also the example of Abigail in 1 Samuel 25. Abigail was married to Nabal, a foolish and difficult man. Yet, she remained wise, faithful, and courageous, trusting God to guide her actions. Her faithfulness and discernment not only protected her household but also positioned her for a better future when God brought David into her life. Her story reminds us that faithfulness in hard circumstances can bring honor to God and lead to unexpected blessings.

Similarly, when you remain obedient in your marriage and place your trust in God—even when the path forward seems uncertain—you open the door for His blessings to manifest. Obedience doesn’t mean ignoring or enabling challenges; it means aligning your heart and actions with God’s will. Your trust in Him demonstrates your belief that He is bigger than the struggles you face in your marriage, and He will honor that.

What Trying Doesn’t Mean

It’s important to clarify what trying does not include:

• Enduring abuse, emotional cruelty, or infidelity.
• Becoming codependent or losing your identity in the process. (Also check out this classic book about breaking the cycle of codependency.)
• Enabling spiritual laziness or refusing to confront sin gently.

Doing the right thing does not mean enduring abuse or neglect. If you are in a situation of abuse, make the conscious choice to get help. The marriage covenant was never meant to include abuse or neglect. The first step is to seek professional help for yourself and your marriage.

Remaining Loving and Rooted in Christ

When navigating the complexities of marriage, it’s crucial to recognize the importance of creating healthy emotional boundaries. Emotional boundaries protect your heart while also ensuring that your relationship remains grounded in love and respect. As a Christian wife, striving to honor God in your marriage—even when you feel like the only one trying—requires wisdom and discernment.

Understanding Emotional Boundaries

Emotional boundaries are not walls meant to isolate but rather filters that guard against harm while allowing love and grace to flow freely. They help you protect your emotional well-being without compromising your spiritual values. Boundaries allow you to address difficult circumstances while maintaining a heart of compassion and humility.

Key principles of healthy emotional boundaries:

• Recognizing and addressing toxic patterns without enabling them.
• Communicating your needs clearly and lovingly.
• Prioritizing your spiritual and emotional health through time spent in prayer and Scripture.

Balancing Boundaries with Love

Creating boundaries does not mean stepping away from your calling as a supportive and loving spouse. Instead, it means approaching challenges with grace and truth, reflecting Christ’s love even in difficult situations.

Strategies for balancing boundaries and love:

• Practice forgiveness while ensuring accountability. Forgiveness frees your heart but does not mean tolerating harmful behavior.
• Seek guidance from trusted Christian mentors or counselors who can provide wisdom rooted in Scripture.
• Choose words that bless and build up, even when addressing issues. Loving communication can soften tension and open doors to healing.

Honoring God While Protecting Yourself

God calls us to love sacrificially, but that love must align with His truth and righteousness. If you find yourself in situations of abuse, neglect, or persistent emotional harm, it is vital to take steps to protect yourself. The marriage covenant does not demand enduring harm—it calls for mutual respect and love.

Steps for addressing abuse or neglect:

• Seek professional help, such as counseling or therapy, to navigate your emotions and find clarity.
• Confide in trusted spiritual leaders who can guide you in wisdom and prayer.
• Set boundaries that safeguard your emotional well-being, such as limiting exposure to harmful actions while seeking resolution.

Remaining Rooted in Christ

Above all, staying rooted in Christ is your greatest source of strength. When you feel alone in your efforts, remember that God sees your faithfulness and will honor your obedience and trust.

Ways to remain rooted in Christ:

• Devote daily time to Scripture and prayer, allowing God to renew your mind and spirit.
• Surround yourself with a supportive Christian community that encourages and uplifts you.
• Rest in the promises of God, trusting that He is working even when the path ahead seems unclear.

Healthy emotional boundaries are not barriers to love—they are tools for fostering a marriage that reflects the love and grace of Christ. By remaining loving and rooted in Him, you can navigate challenges with wisdom, faith, and hope for a brighter future.

What You Can Do as the Trying Spouse

1. Stay connected to God first

• Read Scripture daily (even just a verse or two) either in your Bible or using a devotional.
• Engage in a Bible study focused on helping you become a wife who follows Christ. This one by Gretchen Safles is good, as is this one about the Proverbs 31 woman by Darlene Schacht.
• Want to learn more about the Proverbs 31 woman? Check this post out.
• Let God fill the emotional gap your spouse can’t right now. Here’s a prayer to help you say focused: “Heavenly Father, thank you for my spouse and the gift of marriage. My heart is heavy right now because I feel like I’m the only spouse who’s trying – the only one who cares about our marriage. But I know You care. You want us to have a marriage that glorifies you. Please comfort me and bring me your Peace that passes all understanding. Fill in the emotional gaps left in my heart during this season. Help me to understand where my spouse is coming from and give me words and actions that will speak to him/her and draw him/her close to me again. In Jesus’ name, Amen.”

2. Keep praying for your husband

• Pray for your husband including his heart, his spiritual life, his stress, and his role as husband.
• Ask God to soften your own heart too—bitterness creeps in subtly.
• Here’s a prayer you may want to adapt to your situation: “Dear Lord, my marriage needs help. I am so grateful for this man/woman you sent for me. He/she is dear to me but is struggling to fully participate in our marriage. Soften his heart toward me and toward You. Enrich his spiritual life by drawing him/her closer to You. Help him to know what his/her role is as a husband/wife in Christ. I know that my heart needs softening, too. I am feeling angry and frustrated toward my spouse. Guard my heart in Christ Jesus.”

3. Speak life, not just needs

A simple word of encouragement can open a spiritual door. Even when we are feeling like the relationship is unbalanced, we can speak life into our relationship. It’s in these moments that it’s important to choose words that bless, even when it’s hard.

The first step is to use loving words, even if we aren’t feeling like it every time. A godly wife honors God first and works her way toward a healthy marriage. I make sure to tell my husband how much I love him, even if I feel like I’m trying more than he is. The marriage covenant is too important to neglect. We made a vow to love, honor, and cherish one another and speaking love is one way to do that.

Speaking Truth in Love

When God says to “Speak the truth in love” (Ephesians 4:15) He means this for marriage, too. My husband and I have both had seasons where we lovingly said, “I feel like I’m doing all the work here. Our marriage is important to me. I know you’re busy and life is overwhelming us, but I need some connection. I need to feel like we are in this together.” Every time that one of us brings this up the other takes it seriously because we are both truly committed to our marriage. And I’d be willing to bet that you and your spouse are, too. You know your own heart and your spouse’s pretty well. While you feel like you are the only spouse trying, in all likelihood your spouse is trying in his/her own way, or is so busy they miss the signs that they have checked out a bit.

We also need to honor Christ’s sacrificial love by loving our spouse in a similar manner. That means we put our spouse’s needs ahead of our own. Sometimes that means that we will invest more into the relationship than he/she seems to. Often we can reach our spouse’s heart by demonstrating the same kind of love toward them that Christ demonstrates toward us.

4. Find godly support

Support can come in many forms. You may want to connect with a mentor, small group, or counselor. A good friend who is a few years ahead of you in their successful marriage can be a great resource for helping you through this time. Small groups are often available through church, so check yours to see if some area available. Finally, check this site for finding a counselor who might be able to help you.

Scripture to Cling to When You Feel Alone

When you feel like the only one trying in your marriage, take heart. God’s Word is a wellspring of comfort, guidance, and strength. Each of these Scriptures serves as a reminder that you are never alone—God walks with you through every moment, ready to restore, renew, and carry you forward in love. Let Him be your refuge, and trust in His ability to transform your situation for His glory.

Psalm 62:5–6 – “Find rest, O my soul, in God alone…”

Rest is not merely physical relaxation; it is the deep peace that comes from trusting in God’s unwavering love and provision. When you feel alone in your marriage, God invites you to find your rest in Him. Let His presence be the anchor for your weary soul. Whisper this verse in your prayers and reflect on His unchanging faithfulness—it is there you will find solace when life feels overwhelming.

Isaiah 41:10 – “Do not fear, for I am with you…”

Fear often creeps in when relationships feel fragile or uncertain. This verse reminds us that God is always by our side, ready to strengthen and uphold us. Even in moments when you feel unsupported by your spouse, God’s companionship is steadfast. He is the ultimate source of courage and comfort, guiding you through difficult days. Hold onto His promise of presence and let it dispel your fear.

Galatians 6:9 – “Do not grow weary in doing good…”

Marriage requires persistence, especially when it feels like the effort is unbalanced. Galatians 6:9 encourages us to persevere in doing good, knowing that God sees our faithfulness. Your acts of love, patience, and kindness in your marriage are seeds being sown for a greater harvest. Trust that even when your spouse might not reciprocate fully, God honors your diligence and will reward it in His perfect timing.

Romans 12:12 – “Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.”

Hope is a powerful force that sustains us through trials. Romans 12:12 teaches us to maintain joy in hope, to endure affliction with patience, and to remain steadfast in prayer. When you feel alone in your marriage, choose hope—hope in God’s ability to redeem and restore. Let your patience reflect your trust in His timing, and let prayer be the intimate conversation where your worries transform into peace.

1 Corinthians 13:7 – “Love always protects, always trusts…”

The essence of Christ-like love is captured beautifully in this verse. Love is not conditional or transactional; it is sacrificial and enduring. Even when you feel like you are carrying more of the weight in your marriage, remember that God calls us to love in a way that protects and trusts. Reflect His love by prioritizing your spouse’s needs and placing trust in God’s work within your relationship. His love for you is the ultimate model for how to love others.

Conclusion

If you’re the only one trying in your marriage right now, don’t give up—but don’t carry it all on your shoulders either. Let God carry you through this difficult time.

He can restore what feels broken. He can soften hearts and He can strengthen yours in the waiting. Godly marriages don’t just happen…they take years of dedication and hard work.

You are not invisible. You are not unloved. And you are never, ever alone.

With love,

🌸 Andrea

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