Want a truly great marriage? Start with kindness

Last Updated on January 2, 2025 by Andrea

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In a previous post we talked about watering our marital garden to have greener grass – even greener than that on the other side of the fence! One of the watering strategies I previewed was being kind.

I hear a lot about kindness lately. My son’s school focuses on one Fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23) every month so kindness gets a focus for an entire month. Yet, other than “being nice” I’m not sure people really know what kindness is. So let’s break that down a bit. These descriptions work for all relationships, but I’ll focus on successful marriage here.

What is kindness, really?

For me, kindness comes down to grace and mercy. My pastor describes grace as getting something don’t deserve and mercy as not getting something we do deserve. From a God standpoint, that means that we get his love and salvation, despite our sins separating us from Him. God’s mercy means that we don’t get his condemnation (since Jesus paid the price) or His reminding us of our sins every time we go to Him.

In a great marriage, grace and mercy work much the same way. When we water with grace and mercy we are giving our spouse things we may feel he doesn’t deserve and not giving him something we think he does deserve. You can see that this runs counter to what the world tells us, right?

How about an example?

Let’s say our husband has been frustrating us lately. He’s getting on our every last nerve. We are confident we are in the right and he’s in the wrong. Our normal inclination may be to give him the cold shoulder, turn away in bed, snap at him when he talks to us, and belittle his efforts to make things better. After all, we are right and he is wrong. We have no desire to be nice or polite in this case.

Kindness with grace in this case means giving him a hug when we want to walk away. We give him a beer or soda when he comes home instead of assuming he can take care of himself. We give him the gift of asking about his day instead of ignoring his need to talk about what happened at work. We give him our attention and eye contact when we want to put distance between us. We give him a kiss when we would rather turn away.

Kindness with mercy in this case means not giving him our back when we sleep. It means not slamming the dishes around as we prepare dinner. It means not having that edge to our voice when we talk. Mercy also means we do not trash him to our sisters or friends when we really want to talk (over and over) about our virtues and his sins.

Kindness is not always easy in marriage

I know this is hard. Being kind is an easy concept that can be difficult to implement. I have marital frustrations, too. But when we take the time to water with kindness (grace and mercy in this case) we will find a much greener field of grass than when we water with negativity and harshness. Research by John Gottman at The Gottman Institute says that it takes 5 positive comments to balance 1 negative comment. Think about that for a minute. FIVE! That’s a lot of grace and mercy to balance one negative remark.

Treat Your Life Partner as Your Best Friend

A happy marriage thrives when spouses treat each other as best friends, sharing joys, struggles, and everyday life with honesty and love. Think about how you interact with your best friend—offering support during a rough time, celebrating their successes, and engaging in good conversations that deepen your bond. Apply this same intentionality to your spouse, and you’ll see your connection flourish.

Social media often portrays picture-perfect relationships, but a good marriage isn’t about perfection; it’s about the hard work of showing up daily for your life partner. Lean into God’s Word for guidance on how to love with patience and kindness, even when it’s challenging. Proverbs 18:22 reminds us that “He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord.” This verse underscores the value of cherishing your spouse as a precious gift from God.

One piece of advice: ask good questions that encourage deeper communication. Instead of superficial exchanges, dive into meaningful discussions about dreams, challenges, and desires. This practice not only strengthens your bond but also helps prevent small misunderstandings from growing into relationship problems.

The Best Way to Overcome Relationship Problems

Every couple faces rough times, but the best way to navigate these challenges is by staying rooted in God’s Word and fostering open communication. A good marriage requires more than shared experiences—it calls for humility, forgiveness, and a commitment to growing together. When disagreements arise, approach your spouse with a heart focused on unity rather than division.

Reflect on this piece of advice: view your spouse as a teammate, not an adversary. In the midst of everyday life’s pressures, it’s easy to lose sight of the fact that you’re working toward the same goals. Pray together, asking God to help you realign your desires with His purpose for your marriage.

Another powerful strategy is to cultivate kindness. Asking good questions like “How can I support you today?” or “What’s weighing on your heart?” can transform conflict into connection. These acts of kindness remind your spouse that you value them deeply as your life partner. As Christian wives we’re called to put our husbands before ourselves. One way we do that is to check in and see how the other person feels – our spouse. The important thing is to know what’s going on whit them so we can pray and help as we are able.

Remember, building a happy marriage takes hard work, but it’s a good desire that aligns with God’s design for your life. I know that being kind when you don’t feel like it is hard stuff. Yet when kindness becomes a daily habit, it creates a ripple effect that strengthens your relationship and serves as a testimony of God’s love to others.

Wrapping Up

There are many different ways to show kindness in marriage and the important thing is to make the effort. Let’s spend this week finding opportunities to share grace and mercy with our spouse for a greener marital lawn!

Have fun!

🌸 Andrea

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