The Effective Roommate Agreement: Your Free Guide to Success

College Roommates

College living is a wonderful and unique time. While many people hope that they will make friends forever or best friends, that’s not always the case. Everyone is raised in different homes with different worldviews. Those differences can cause conflict in college living situations. Establishing roommate goals – right from move in day – is the easiest way to make a smooth transition to college.

Whether you chose your roommate or the school chose one for you, there are bound to be differences on the way to being friends for life. The college community is great for supporting the roommate experience. If your goal is making memories and you want to cherish the moments in this short season, starting with a plan is the best way to begin.

Sources of Conflict:

Between new daily schedules, new people, classes, increased costs, navigating the college campus, making room for family and friends, securing a job, and having fun, there is a lot of opportunity for conflict to arise with college roomies. Clear communication is one sure-fire way to sidestep many issues that arise in new living situations.

To help reduce those conflicts and disagreements, I created a master list of topics and questions to consider as you work on your roommate relationship. I don’t suggest going through all of them in one sitting, but as various topics come up, decide which questions need to be addressed. It’s a good idea to keep this list handy so you can address the issues as needed. If you will be interviewing potential roommates you may want to go over several of these topics in advance.

Then sit down and have a conversation.

Guidelines:

• Set a time to talk when you both are not distracted
• Turn off your tech – take notes on paper. If you must use a computer or your phone, then do, but don’t check social or texts!
• Pray first! Pray for your conversation and your relationship. I provide a prayer below if you aren’t comfortable coming up with your own prayers. Even if you don’t pray with your roommate, it’s important to begin with prayer.
• Agree on your topic (the list below is organized by topic).
• Discuss your goal for the conversation – do you want to have an agreement or just understand the other’s perspective?
• Take turns and LISTEN.

ROOMMATE PRAYER:

Dear Lord, thank you for giving me this roommate at this time in my life. I thank you for the gifts we each bring to our shared home. Please guide our conversation today that we would understand each other and make decisions that honor each other and You. Please help us to understand each other when we disagree and respond with kindness. In Jesus’s name, Amen

ROOMMATE DISCUSSION TOPICS AND QUESTIONS

Regardless of topic, the most important thing is to set clear expectations right from the very beginning. All roommate situations are different but the core experience is the same. While I’m not a lawyer and cannot provide legal advice or legal documents, an informal agreement is an excellent way to start your new living arrangements off right. Effective communication is key to all successful relationships and most of us learned our communication skills at home growing up. Using your best communication skills, set some ground rules for successful living. Starting here will go a long way to a harmonious shared living season.

Relationship:

• What do you want from the new roommate relationship? Friends? No relationship? Study partner? Best friends? Close friends?
• What are three of your most important values? Share about them and why they are important to you.
• What is one of your favorite childhood memories about your home? How does that impact what you want from your roommate relationship?

Kitchen:

• Who is going to cook?
• Who does dishes?
• What does that mean – wash by hand? When are those put away?
• Dishwasher? When does the dishwasher get run? Who empties it?
• What if dishes are put in the wrong spot?
• What dishes are being used? Are you sharing dishes? What happens if dishes are broken or lost?
• What does a “clean” kitchen look like – counters, stove, range, sinks?
• Who buys cleaning supplies: sponges, dish soap and counter cleaner?
• Who cleans out the refrigerator and when? Who decides what gets thrown out?
• Who cleans the kitchen floor and when? Is it part of cleaning floors in the entire dorm/apartment/house?

Bathrooms:

• What items are shared? Who buys them and when? How are you going to keep track of this?
• Where do you keep items that are not shared? Is there ever a condition under which someone else can use your personal items? What about toilet paper – who buys it and where will it be stored?
• Who cleans the bathroom? What does “clean” mean? Who buys supplies for cleaning? When will they be purchased? Where are the cleaning supplies kept?
• What are daily cleaning tasks (i.e., wipe down mirror after brushing teeth; swish toilet; sweep floor; clean sink)?
• Do you use an anti-smell spray (think poopouri)? Who buys it? Is this a shared item?

Bedrooms (shared):

• Does each of you make your bed each day?
• When do you expect each other to clean your side of the room? What does “clean” look like in bedrooms?
• Is it okay to eat in the bedroom? What kinds of food?
• Are guests permitted? What times? What about overnight guests? If so, what’s the plan for letting your roommate know (i.e., will you text or call? How much notice is needed? Can the roommate refuse to allow someone to stay over?)?
• What about room decor? Is anything off-limits (i.e., think language, nudity, sexuality, faith-related, spiritual, etc.)?
• Is there a “lights out” time? Are there exceptions?

Bedrooms (single):

• Do you expect the door to be kept closed? Does it depend on how clean the room is? How will you communicate that?
• Are beds expected to be made each day?
• How often do you expect rooms to be cleaned?
• Is it ever acceptable to show someone else’s room to others? If yes, under what circumstances? Does the room owner need to know in advance?
• Are overnight guests allowed? With how much notice? Can anyone refuse to let people stay over?

General Living Space:

• How many people are allowed over (is there a maximum occupancy)? In other words, what are the guest policies?
• Are parties allowed? Certain days? Who has to agree? How much notice do roommates need to give the others that a party is going to happen?
• How late can friends stay? Are guests allowed to stay in the living room overnight?
• Who cleans common areas? What does “clean” mean? Who buys cleaning supplies? How often is it cleaned? How will you keep track of that? What is the use of common areas?
• What about room decor? Is anything off-limits (i.e., think language, nudity, sexuality, faith-related, spiritual, etc.)?
• Are there any shows/movies you’d rather not have on in shared space (think offensive here, not preferences)?
• Are personal belongings allowed to stay in shared spaces?
• Who pays for subscription services? Can everyone use them?

Cleaning:

• Who cleans what rooms?
• Is vacuuming done by room or the entire home?
• Who buys cleaning products?
• Will you have a cleaning schedule? (recommended)
• What do you do if someone doesn’t like how someone else cleans?
• What does “clean” mean for each room?
• Who washes dishes and when? Are they dried and put away immediately?
• Is there special cleaning needed before guests come over? Who does that?
• Is cleaning expected in good faith (trusting it will get done) or do you need to set a schedule?

Guests:

• What is the guest policy?
• Are there “off-limits” times for guests?
• Are there any off-limit rooms?
• What counts as private rooms?
• Can guests spend the night?
• Can roommates refuse to allow guests?
• What are party rules?
• How will you handle disagreements about guests?
• Who feeds guests?

General:

• How will you document your agreement on these issues?
• How will you handle disagreements?
• What happens if someone doesn’t do what they agree to do?
• What’s the best form of communication if there is an issue that needs to be raised?
• Is alcohol allowed in the home (regardless of resident age)? What about drugs? Smoking? Vaping? Marijuana?
• Do you expect to be friends or just roommates?
• Is anyone allowed to answer your phone if it rings in a public space?
• Is there a general study time? What do you do if someone is studying and the rest of the roommates are being loud or having a party?
• Who makes utility payments? How much notice is needed if someone cannot pay a bill? What is the due date for utility bills?
• What are acceptable noise levels and during what hours?
• How will you engage in conflict resolution? Do you want someone to mediate? Knowing how to handle conflict is a crucial aspect of living together, shared with mutual respect demonstrated during conflict.

I know this is a long list, and it’s not even exhaustive! Remember that you don’t have to review the entire list – just address questions or topics as they are relevant. If you live in a dorm, you may find the resident assistant helpful in mediating conflict or helping you create a roommate agreement.

What’s on Your Agreement?

What questions did I miss? What do you think roommates should talk about to avoid disagreements? Let us know in the comments section – scroll to the very bottom for the comments section. I look forward to hearing your ideas!

Be well!

Andrea

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