Navigating Conflict: Strategies for Effective Communication in Marriage

Spenders & Savers

I’m a saver and my husband is a spender. He still pays off debt and pays the bills, but he enjoys spending money, whereas I enjoy watching it grow in the bank. As I’m sure you can imagine, this difference has caused conflict over the years. We’ve been married nearly 30 years, and this issue has cropped up from time to time. I can remember several times that money was tight, and we disagreed about how to spend the little bit that we did have.

What is conflict?

Conflict generally occurs when we have incompatible or different goals from someone else. I want one thing and he wants something else. In this example, I wanted to save money and he wanted to get extra supplies at Sam’s club so we have more supplies to last us through more lean times. I wanted to be sure we had money in the bank for unforeseen events. We had different goals. The conflict was really about our differing goals, not money.

Conflict in relationships is inevitable. And the presence of conflict doesn’t mean the marriage is bad. In fact, conflict can be healthy when handled correctly! When we handle conflict well, we build trust and unity in our marriage. We grow from it and learn that we can have different goals and still come to a conclusion that meets both our needs.

What does the Bible say about conflict?

Ephesians 4:31-32 ESV Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

Proverbs 15:1 ESV A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

James 1:19-21 ESV Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God. Therefore put away all filthiness and rampant wickedness and receive with meekness the implanted word, which is able to save your souls.

Hebrews 12:14-15 ESV Strive for peace with everyone, and for the holiness without which no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no “root of bitterness” springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled;

Philippians 2:4 ESV Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.

Proverbs 17:14 ESV The beginning of strife is like letting out water, so quit before the quarrel breaks out.

First steps

• Know your own mind. You must know how you feel about a given topic. For instance, if I’m just worried about finances, that’s not much to go on. If I have a goal – saving money or paying off debt – then I have a goal to work toward. The conflict occurs when my husband has a different goal – pay off different debt or buy more supplies at Sam’s. You might want to write down your goals so you can stay focused. Sometimes my husband cares about something that I just don’t care about. In those cases, it’s easy to “give in” and do things his way. He shows me the same courtesy. But we have to know how we feel for this system to work. This is one way to avoid conflict altogether.
• Listen. Really pay attention to what your spouse is saying. You are listening so you can pay attention to what his/her goal is. What is he/she trying to get out of this conversation?
• Know when you’re approaching your limit and set a time out. I know when I’m getting “full” of emotion and need to calm down. If you know yourself well enough, you can ask for a time out before getting too upset. This can help conflict tremendously. Simply say, “honey, I’m getting upset and losing focus on what we’re talking about here. Can I have 10 minutes to calm down and refocus?” Then go to your quiet space and pray/read the Bible/take deep breaths. You may need to go outside to do this. Whatever it takes. Know your emotions and make space when you need it.

During conflict

• You realized that you and your spouse have different goals – money, sex, in-laws – topic doesn’t matter. You have a conflict and it’s going to be okay!
• Remember the goals you wrote down? Get them now.
• Ask your spouse what he/she wants from this discussion. Do you want to agree how often in-laws can visit? How much influence they have on grandkids? How to spend money coming in? How often to make love? Know what you are really talking about. Sometimes THIS is the hardest part of a conflict – if you both have two separate issues.
• Take turns reviewing your goals. One at a time. One talks – the other listens to understand. Ask yourself the 5Ws and an H – who, what, where, why, when, and how. Don’t move to your goals until you understand these elements of your spouse’s goals.
• Make notes if you need to.
• Once you both understand how the other feels, it’s time to make some decisions about next steps.

What conflict animal are you?

The Y-axis, Relationships, is our concern for the relationship or the other person. This is concern for other.

The X-axis, Goals, is our concern for our own feelings and goals. This is concern for self.

Withdrawing/Turtle:

People who have a withdrawing style have little concern for self and other. They hide like a turtle. This type of person is tough to talk to since they have very little invested. They simply don’t care. And it’s really difficult to make someone care. These people tend to say, “I don’t are” and “whatever” a lot during conflict. This is an unhealthy style. I argue this person doesn’t know their own mind. In not knowing, they choose to hide. Go back to first steps and figure out how you feel about the topic. Make your marriage a safe place to be honest about how you feel.

Forcing/Shark:

People who have a forcing style are “my way or the highway” people. They want their goals met and don’t care at all for the other person’s goals or the relationship. These people tend to stop listening when the other person talks. They repeat their own arguments in their head over and over to avoid really hearing any other viewpoint. This is another unhealthy style. This person may need to be reminded that marriage is a team – we work together. The only way to work together is to listen and learn.

Smoothing/Teddy Bear –

These people care more about the other person and the relationship than they do their own goals and needs. They won’t “fight” for what they want and in fact may not even know what they want. Society calls these people doormats, though they often just want to preserve harmony by not bringing up another viewpoint. They say, “whatever you want” and “let’s do what you want” a lot. Keeping the peace means a lot to this type.  While this type may seem good, it’s still unhealthy as there is no balance.

Compromising/Fox –

This style is the first somewhat healthy style. People who use this style have a moderate concern for their own needs/goals and a moderate concern for the other/relationship. These people are willing to give up some of what they want to get some of what they want.  Some people think compromise should be the goal with conflict, but I disagree. Who wants to give up what they want? There is a better option still.

Problem Solving/Owl –

This is the healthiest style of them all. This represents what we refer to as “win-win.” In this style, BOTH partners get their needs met without having to give up any goals. Most of this article will be focused on how to achieve win-win. In this style no one loses out. Both our own needs/goals and the needs for the relationship/other person are value. The key to win-win is for both parties to want to engage in this style. It “takes two to tango” with this style.

How to Achieve Win-Win

1. The first step to getting a win-win conflict is to know your own goals.
2. Then, though listening, determine the other persons’ goals.
3. Now have a conversation. Focus on being creative! This is where brainstorming can be handy. Throw out solutions to the conflict. Crazy is allowed! Often the best conflict solutions happen when we let down our guard and try something new. The key is that solutions must help both of you to achieve your goals for the conflict.
4. If another conflict topic comes up (i.e., how money was spent in the past, how in-laws don’t like you, etc.) make a note of it and keep focused on the task. Doing this will help keep the conflict from escalating.  
5. Choose a solution and how you will implement it.
6. Make a date for two weeks later to review.
7. Apply the solution.
8. Meet again in two weeks (a lunch date is great for this) and talk about how it is going. Is the conflict being addressed? Was the solution successful? If so, great! If not, go back to the list of brainstormed solutions and try something new.

Conflict Example

Let’s look at an example.

In the beginning of this article, I told you that I’m a saver and my husband is a spender. Like everyone else, we have bills to pay, debt to pay off, groceries to buy, tuition to pay, after-school activities for the kids, and lots of other expenditures.

My goal: pay off debt while managing to save money

His goal: pay off debt while stocking up on supplies for our pantry

The good news is that we both want to pay off debt. The conflict comes in with what we do after making the debt payments. What do we do with what is leftover?

Brainstorming:

• Save it all (not a good idea since that doesn’t take his goal into consideration)
• Spend it all on pantry items (not a good idea since that doesn’t take my goal into consideration)
• Spend it all on debt (not a great idea as it’s more compromise but since debt reduction is a key goal for each of us, this might be a good solution)
• Make an extra tuition payment
• Use half for saving and half for pantry (not a good idea since that’s just a compromise)
• Look to future income – is there money coming in that won’t be used for bills? How can that money solve the conflict?
  • Perhaps that “extra” money can be split into savings and pantry.
  • Perhaps that “extra” money can be split into savings one month and pantry the next
• Look at overall income and decide to budget in pantry spending every month. The rest goes to savings.

A solution

 We chose to go with looking to the “extra” money and use some for pantry and some for savings. This is our second month of this solution and it’s working well. We’ll re-evaluate this summer (when things are the tightest for us) and see if it’s still working.

 Are you in a financial bind? Here’s a great resource.

Conflict Rules

• No name calling.
• No walking away angry – unless it’s a mutually agreed upon time out.
• Don’t fight in front of the kids, and if you do, they MUST see you make up and come to agreement.
• Stay in the current disagreement – don’t bring up old conflicts. If they come up, write them down and deal with that conflict another time using these same strategies.
• If you have different values or opinions, it’s okay. That may be a conflict all its own. Use the same strategy to work through that. My husband and I have different values for things, and that’s okay. We learn to respect our differences while each of us lives the values we hold dear.
• Do what you say you will do. This is the best way to build trust in your marriage. If you say you will spend X amount on pantry and save the rest, do that…even if a “great deal” opens up for something else. If you want to get something else, then go back to the conversation and let your spouse know. You may need to have another conversation and make a new decision.

Wrapping Up

If you use these skills and tips you can learn to navigate conflict in marriage successfully. In a perfect world, you’ll also use these techniques when you have conflict with a child so you can teach your kids healthy conflict skills, too.

These skills and techniques will take time to practice. Go slow and be patient with each other. I promise this is doable if you take the time to work through each step.

You can do this!

Let me know in the comments how it goes for you and how you successfully navigate conflict.

Peace,

🌸 Andrea

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