Knowledge is Power, Even in Families

🎵 “I know something you don’t know!” 🎶 sings one child to another, taunting the other to beg for the information. We learn at an early age that knowledge is powerful. When we know something, we can hold it over someone else.

What is knowledge?

Knowledge is any information we have, often that which others might want too. While it refers to formal instruction, like that we learn in a classroom or a book, it can also refer to knowledge we gain from someone else.

For instance, when my sister tells me what’s happening in her life, I have knowledge about her. It’s information that is only obtained from her telling me. I couldn’t find it out from a book. I could learn it from someone else, and that’s where the power comes in.

Knowledge on its own is just information. It’s neutral, really. The problem comes in when we attach powerful meaning to it.

How is knowledge powerful?

Much like when we were younger, knowing something gives us a sense of control. We have control of the information and can choose to share it or not. That choice gives us power.

Originally coined by Sir Francis Bacon, this phrase has been around since 1597. It’s as true now as it was way back then.

You see, if I know something someone else wants to know, then I can control the telling. I can control what information gets shared, with whom, and when. Many people thrive on this type of power. They love the control that having information brings them.

While “regular” knowledge learned in traditional formats – the classroom, a book, or video, for instance – still contains an element of power, it’s not as titillating as gossip knowledge. And that’s the kind that can hurt families. So while my someone may want to know how she can improve her marriage from me (traditional knowledge), she may be even more interested in something that happened to someone we know (gossip knowledge). She knows that she can obtain the traditional information from many different sources, but I may be the only one who has the knowledge about our mutual friend. And that gives me power.

How does this affect families?

When this type of gossip knowledge invades a family, the related power struggle can negatively impact relationships. When one person learns something about another family member, it may be tempting to hold it over someone else. Maybe mom says, “I know this great information about Aunt Lucy, I’m sure you’d like to know it, too.” When I realize that mom has knowledge about Aunt Lucy, I want to know. I don’t want to be the only one in the dark.

This type of power control is difficult in families because it pits one family member against another. It also takes the power away from the original knowledge holder (Aunt Lucy, in this case). If Aunt Lucy wanted me to know, she could tell me. But mom holds the power with the information.

Let me reiterate, information on its own doesn’t have to end up in a power struggle. It’s only when one person holds it over someone else that this controlling power becomes a detriment to families.

If someone in your family does this (holds information over you in a controlling way) it’s easy to get angry. Please, please, do not act out of anger. Read this article for more about how to communicate when you are angry.

So what should family members do with knowledge?

The obvious question is how to prevent knowledge from becoming a power struggle. Since not all knowledge is related to power, we need to check ourselves first.

Ask yourself if you have knowledge about someone else. Are we dying to share it with someone? Do we want to let them know we know something they don’t know? If it’s not your news to share, then keep it to yourself. I know that’s difficult! But we don’t have to share everything we know. If you really feel like you need to tell sister or brother about it, ask the person first. So if you know something about Aunt Lucy and want to tell Brother, ask Aunt Lucy if she minds that you share with Brother.

Maybe we are on the receiving end. A family member lets know they know something we may want to know. “Did you hear about Aunt Lucy’s situation?” or “I talked with Aunt Lucy today. I feel so bad for her.” Now we know the person has information we may want. That’s your cue to call Aunt Lucy or just let it go. You do not have to follow up on the power play to get on the same page. Either call Aunt Lucy (“Aunt Lucy, mom mentioned you are having a rough time. Do you mind if I ask what’s happening?”) or leave it alone and trust that Aunt Lucy will tell you when she’s ready.

When we stop making power plays in our family, we can relate to each other as equals. There’s really nothing to be gained from making a controlling power move with our family members.

Knowledge really is power. So let’s leave the knowledge with the person it belongs with. Don’t share if it’s not your news to share. Don’t be upset if someone has knowledge you don’t. Sometimes we just don’t share the same information with everyone. That doesn’t mean we have a bad relationship or that they don’t like us. It just means they didn’t share that information with us…yet.

I hope this helps. Focus on loving your family and you’ll be off to a great start!

💖 Andrea