How to ask the right questions with kids

Last Updated on March 21, 2023 by Andrea

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The After School Slump

When my son gets in the car, he’s generally pretty quiet. He’s 14 and he’s never been super chatty as soon as he leaves school. I always ask a general, throw-away question like, “How was your day?” He always says something along the lines of, “it was okay.” Can you relate?

Usually, about a few minutes into the ride, he’ll offer something small about his day. It’s generally something he thought was silly or stupid. That’s the opening, Friends! Anything your kids offer is the beginning to a good conversation. Follow up with good questions.

Asking the right questions is important when talking to kids as it helps you to understand their thoughts, feelings, and experiences.

6 Question Tips

Here are some tips on how to ask the right questions with your kids:

1. Use open-ended questions: Instead of asking yes or no questions, try to ask open-ended questions that require more detailed responses. For example, instead of asking “Did you have a good day at school?” ask “What was the best part of your day?” It’s okay if the answer is, “Lunch” – any answer will do…just get them talking.
2. Listen attentively: When your child is talking to you, give them your full attention and really listen to what they are saying. This will help you to understand their perspective and ask more relevant follow-up questions. Trust me, they know if you are just faking it, so tune out distractions – turn off your phone and the radio and focus. This also sets a good example for when we want our kids to listen to us.
3. Be specific: When asking questions, be specific and ask about specific events or experiences. For example, instead of asking “How was your day?” ask “What did you do during recess today?”
4. Avoid judgmental questions: Avoid asking questions that might make your child feel judged or criticized. Instead, ask questions in a supportive and non-judgmental way to encourage open communication. Questions like, “what did he do next?” or “What did you think of that?” are good questions to begin understanding your child’s perspective.
5. Encourage your child to share their thoughts and feelings: Encourage your child to share their thoughts and feelings by asking questions that explore their emotions. I find this works best when asking about other kids’ decisions. If he tells me that Sam did this or that, I ask, “What do you think about that?” If a friend did something hurtful, I don’t ask how he feels – it was obviously hurtful. I may say, “Ouch, that must have hurt. What’s your plan? What will you do when you see him tomorrow?” This gives him the opportunity to clarify the hurt but also dig a bit deeper.
6. Keep the conversation light and fun: While it’s important to ask meaningful questions, don’t forget to keep the conversation light and fun. Ask questions about their interests and hobbies, and engage in playful conversation to build your relationship with your child. Not everything needs to be a teachable moment. Sometimes it’s fun just to be silly.

To Bring it All Together

Remember, asking the right questions is not only about getting information but also about building a positive and trusting relationship with your child. Talking with our kids doesn’t have to be challenging.

When we engage with our child, we pay attention. When we listen, we show them that we care and are sincere. Listening does not have to equal advice giving. Rather, listening shows engagement and care. Not all of these strategies will work for every kid every day. Mix it up a bit! My kids LOVE question cards. Another set they love is the “Would You Rather” series. They love that they aren’t “mom questions” and they have a lot of fun coming up with answers.

We can also ask questions that help us be better parents. Focus on the Family reports that getting a status check helps us to improve our parenting by knowing what our kids really see us doing. This is just one more way to ask questions and engage with our kids.

What do your kids like to answer? Are there fun games or sure-fire questions that get your kiddo talking? Let us know in the comments!

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Peace & blessings,

🌸 Andrea

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