How Forgiveness Can Strengthen Your Christian Marriage

Every marriage has issues that need forgiveness. From small infractions like accidentally shrinking your spouse’s favorite shirt to more serious ones like betraying trust, forgiveness is a requirement if a marriage is going to make it for the long haul.

But that’s not to say it’s easy. Just last weekend my family was celebrating Easter with my sister’s family. My older son laughed at something. Someone said he had his dad’s laugh. He said, “Don’t say that!” Everyone laughed. Including me (oops). My husband looked and me and said loudly, “Better than having your mother’s laugh!”

I instantly knew I had a choice. First, I could assume he was saying I have an awful laugh or just saying that having a masculine laugh is better than having a feminine laugh (for our son). I also knew that I needed to decide if I was going to forgive him for this public comment or not. Just like he needed to choose to forgive me for laughing at his expense in front of everyone.

Marriage is a constant back and forth. A give and take. We never actually spoke about the interaction, but based on subsequent conversations I can safely say we both forgave and moved past it. The key is that we both leave it in the past. When we forgive, we need to leave the issue with God and not bring it back up again. Forgiveness is a daily choice, not a one-time event, for a new beginning.

Introduction

Unresolved offenses create walls in communication. When we allow misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and actions to fester without addressing them, these offenses grow and harden, forming barriers that can prevent open and honest dialogue between spouses. These barriers often lead to resentment, lack of trust, and emotional distance, making it difficult for couples to connect on a deeper level.

True forgiveness—rooted in the gospel—tears down those walls, enabling vulnerability and authentic dialogue in marriage. The gospel teaches us the power of grace and mercy, exemplified by Christ’s sacrifice for our sins. Embracing forgiveness means acknowledging our own imperfections and extending grace to our partner, just as we have received it. This act of forgiveness allows couples to move past their hurts, foster an environment of trust, and engage in meaningful conversations. By forgiving, we open the door to vulnerability, where we can share our feelings and experiences without fear of judgment or rejection. This vulnerability is the cornerstone of authentic dialogue, paving the way for a stronger, more resilient marital relationship, filled with deeper intimacy.

Biblical Foundation of Forgiveness

Colossians 3:13 and the Call to Bear with One Another

Colossians 3:13 urges believers to “bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” In the context of marriage, this Scripture reminds couples of the importance of patience and grace. Bearing with one another involves recognizing that both partners are imperfect and navigating challenges with compassion rather than criticism. It is a call to hold space for each other’s humanity while actively choosing forgiveness as a response to grievances. It really doesn’t matter if the grievance is big or little – we need to actively choose forgiveness and compassion.

Christ’s Example of Forgiveness

Christ exemplified forgiveness through His sacrifice on the cross, where He bore the sins of humanity and extended unconditional grace. His statement, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing” (Luke 23:34), serves as a model for forgiving even in the face of profound hurt. In marriage, couples can emulate Christ’s forgiveness by releasing their right to retribution, prioritizing reconciliation, and finding strength in faith to overcome emotional barriers.

We do this by giving our anger and frustration to God. I picture physically bringing my hurt to the Cross and leaving it there for Jesus Christ to handle. I can then walk away unencumbered by the weight of my anger toward my spouse. And because I left it there, I don’t need to revisit it or pick it up again in the future. God has it and can do with it what He will. I can trust Him to fight my battles for me.

God’s forgiveness is also available to us any time. We need only to repent of our sins with a sincere heart and He forgives us. He also keeps no record of wrongs. Would that we forgave each other so readily. The importance of forgiveness, and learning it directly from God, cannot be overstated.

Recognizing the Need

Identifying Lingering Hurts

Lingering hurts often manifest in subtle ways, such as avoidance, passive-aggressive behavior, or emotional detachment. Recognizing these unresolved issues requires introspection and honest communication. Couples can ask themselves or each other questions like, “Do I feel truly at peace with this situation?” or “Am I holding onto resentment?” This process helps identify emotional wounds that need addressing before they harden into long-term barriers. These feelings happen when we don’t truly release someone in forgiveness. If this is your situation, you may need to obtain professional help.  

Distinguishing Forgiveness from Forgetting

Forgiveness is not synonymous with forgetting. While forgetting seeks to erase the offense, forgiveness acknowledges it but chooses to release its hold on the heart. For example, a spouse may remember a disagreement but decide not to let it influence their love or trust moving forward. Understanding this distinction enables couples to forgive without feeling pressured to invalidate their emotions or experiences.

Steps to Forgive and Be Forgiven

Repentance, Confession, and Transparency

The journey toward forgiveness begins with repentance—acknowledging the wrongdoing and expressing genuine remorse. Confession follows, where the offending partner openly shares their thoughts, admitting fault without excuses. Transparency is crucial; hiding details or minimizing the impact erodes trust and undermines the process. For instance, if one spouse forgets an important anniversary, admitting the oversight with sincerity fosters understanding more than offering a defensive justification.

Empathetic Listening and Validation

Empathetic listening means hearing your partner’s perspective without interruption or defense. Validation involves affirming their feelings as legitimate, even if you don’t fully agree with their perspective. For example, one might say, “I understand that my actions hurt you, and I’m truly sorry for that.” This approach builds emotional safety, allowing both partners to feel heard and valued. Remember, no excuses here. Just own what you did and be truly repentant.

Declaring Forgiveness Verbally

While forgiveness often begins internally, declaring it verbally solidifies its intent and impact. A simple statement like, “I forgive you,” carries profound weight, offering reassurance to the offending party and closure to the situation. It symbolizes a commitment to move forward rather than dwell on past mistakes.

Communicating After Forgiveness

Setting New Expectations

Forgiveness creates an opportunity to establish healthier boundaries and expectations. Couples should discuss ways to avoid repeating the offense and clarify mutual needs. For example, if one spouse feels neglected due to excessive screen time, they might agree on “no phones during dinner” as a new expectation moving forward. Remember the power of reinforcement. When your partner is remembering to do what you asked, thank him. Acknowledgment goes a long way toward continuing the behavior.

Building Trust Through Consistency

Trust grows when both partners demonstrate consistent behavior aligned with their commitments. Actions like keeping promises, showing patience, and actively prioritizing the relationship reinforce the sincerity of forgiveness and pave the way for deeper intimacy and connection.

Maintaining a Forgiving Culture

Regular Check-ins on Relational Health

Regular check-ins—perhaps weekly or monthly—allow couples to assess their emotional and relational state. Questions such as “How are we doing in supporting each other?” or “Is there anything we need to address?” create a platform for proactive communication and prevent minor issues from escalating. This technique of a regular check-in is helpful for a happy marriage as well as difficult marriages. For healthy marriages, it keeps the couple’s lines of communication open to nip issues in the bud. For those in a challenging season, it can pave the way for a difficult conversation to help navigate a difficult situation.

Celebrating Growth in Grace

Celebrating milestones in forgiveness and grace strengthens the marital bond. This could involve reflecting on past challenges and how the couple overcame them or even offering a prayer of gratitude for the relationship’s growth. Recognizing these achievements encourages couples to continue cultivating a forgiving culture as they navigate future challenges.

By embracing these principles, Christian couples can foster a marriage that reflects the gospel’s power, enabling them to navigate life’s complexities with grace, resilience, and unwavering love.

Verses About Forgiveness

If we are going to live a life pleasing to God, we need to know what He has to say about any given topic. Forgiveness is no different. I encourage you to learn each of the following Scriptures. Write them in your journal. Keep them on notecards in your purse. Read them throughout the day. Meditate on them. Insert the person’s name that you need to forgive. Pray through them for God to help you forgive. You’ll find yourself forgiving more and more as you immerse yourself in a life of living out the Scriptures.

Ephesians 4:32 ESV Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

Mark 11:25 ESV And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you yor trespasses.

1 John 1:9 ESV If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

Matthew 6:15 ESV  But if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.

Matthew 18:21-22 ESV  Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times.

Matthew 6:14-15 ESV  For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.

Luke 6:37 ESV  Judge not, and you will not be judged; condemn not, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven;

Colossians 3:13 ESV  Bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.

James 5:16 ESV  Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.

Luke 6:27 ESV  But I say to you who hear, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you,

Psalm 103:10-14 ESV  He does not deal with us according to our sins, nor repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us. As a father shows compassion to his children, so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him. For he knows our frame; he remembers that we are dust.

Proverbs 10:12 ESV  Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all offenses.

Ephesians 1:7 ESV  In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace,

Luke 17:3-4 ESV  Pay attention to yourselves! If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him, and if he sins against you seven times in the day, and turns to you seven times, saying, ‘I repent,’ you must forgive him.

Conclusion

Forgiveness isn’t just a one‑time event but a culture you cultivate that leads to increased marital satisfaction. As you forgive and seek forgiveness, your communication will flourish, reflecting the gospel’s transforming power in your marriage. Next time your spouse irritates you, remember the big picture of forgiveness. You’re both imperfect people, doing the very best you can. As followers of Christ, you are called to live like He did. Do your best to forgive the way He does – with your whole heart, focusing on love instead of hurt.

Peace,

🌸 Andrea

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