Cultivating Forgiveness for your Spouse in Your Marriage

Last Updated on January 17, 2025 by Andrea

Watering the Marital Garden 3: Forgiveness

This week we are learning how to water our marriage with forgiveness. Admittedly this topic is much broader than a single post can give justice. I’ll discuss how to practice forgiveness as it relates to keeping our marriage alive and healthy. In a future post, I’ll delve into a larger series about forgiveness.

There seems to be a great deal of talk about forgiveness. I think on one level we all know this is a good idea. We also tell people they should forgive one another. We know married couples should forgive each other.

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However, when we are the one who was wronged, forgiveness can be a bitter pill to swallow. Especially in marriage where the relationship rolls on minute by minute and the offenses of our partner continue to build with each interaction. As we allow the hurt to fester, we begin to think negatively about our spouse. The combination of being hurt and negative self talk about our marriage can lead to dangerous ground for our marriage safety.

But Healing Is Available

Forgiveness in marriage is one of the most challenging and transformative journeys a couple can take. When feelings of resentment build, they can create a barrier that disrupts emotional connection, trust, and intimacy. But here’s the good news: choosing to take the first step toward true forgiveness can lead to healing and restoration. Letting go of resentment doesn’t mean dismissing the hurt—it’s about acknowledging the pain and surrendering it to God, who is the ultimate source of forgiveness.

True forgiveness not only reflects God’s forgiveness toward us but also has profound effects on mental health. It releases the negative feelings that weigh on your heart and allows you to move forward in love and grace. Letting go of the pain isn’t easy, but with God’s help, you can experience freedom from bitterness and restore peace in your marriage.

This post will guide you through understanding what forgiveness looks like in a Christian marriage and how you can take practical steps to let go of resentment and embrace the joy of a God-honoring relationship.

Stay current

Because our husband (or wife) may say or do things that hurt our feelings and build up over time, it’s important to stay current with our forgiveness. When we hold on to past hurts we cultivate negative emotions instead of positive ones. This negativity impacts our mental health which also impacts our physical health. Before we get to the process, let’s look at some general forgiveness facts.

Forgiveness and the Bible

First, forgiveness is mentioned in the first three Gospels (Matthew, Mark, & Luke). In each of these Gospels we are told that if we don’t forgive others, God will not forgive us (Matthew 6:14, Mark 11:26, & Luke 6:37). This reason to forgive is the most compelling to me. Seriously. If I want God to forgive me, then I need to forgive others. Period.

Second, forgiveness isn’t really about the other person. It’s about me. When I harbor unforgiveness I am being held hostage by it. It consumes me. Think about someone who hurt you recently. When you haven’t forgiven them you tend to review the incident in your mind over and over. You may talk to others about it, staking your claim of being “right” in the situation. Maya Angelou says, “it’s the greatest gift you can give yourself, to forgive. Forgive everybody.” Likewise, Max Lucado says that “forgiveness is unlocking the door to set someone free…and realizing you were the prisoner.” We are hurt by our unforgiveness. We don’t want to have an unforgiving spirit in any of our relationships, but especially in our marriage.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean what they did was okay

Third, forgiveness doesn’t mean what the person did was right. By forgiving someone we release them from continuing to “owe” us for the hurt. But we aren’t condoning the behavior or saying we were wrong to be hurt. As I said above, when we forgive we are releasing the burden to lighten ourselves . We aren’t denying the hurt. We can continue to be hurt and still offer forgiveness. When we do this we are engaging in healthy personal growth – and that’s about us not the other person.

Forgive repeatedly

Fourth, continuing to be hurt also means sometimes we need to release someone in forgiveness repeatedly. There have been times someone hurt me so bad that I had to pray daily that I would forgive that person until the time came that forgiveness was a reality. In fact, in one of my relationships it was strained for years until I came to a full forgiveness of her. Then suddenly the relationship was restored. It was only looking back that I realized the restoration happened after I chose to really feel the forgiveness deep down. When we repeatedly forgive we keep no record of wrongs. We forgive it and move on. That doesn’t mean we allow ourselves to be hurt again, just that we don’t hold it against them moving forward.

How do we forgive our spouse?

So if we know that forgiving is what God wants us to do and is good for both us and our relationships, how do we do it?

For a detailed exploration of the act of forgiveness, check out Forgiving Forward. This group does an amazing job walking us through the forgiveness journey. For me, true forgiveness always begins with prayer.

I generally begin with telling God what happened. He already knows, but this primes my heart for forgiveness. In detailing what went wrong I am focusing on the behavior I am choosing to forgive. I specify why I was hurt. Doing this very thing helps me to avoid self-defeating thoughts because I turn it all over to God with brutal honesty.

Then I tell God that I am releasing that person to Him. If there is repentance to be had from that person, I leave that between the person and God. I specifically say that the person owes me nothing and I choose to forgive that behavior.

I then ask God’s specific blessings on the person. As I said, sometimes this has to happen every day or several times a day as I am tempted to pick up the anger or animosity again.

If I find myself rehashing what happened, I immediately (or as soon as I realize it) shift my thoughts to, “God I again release my husband to you and forgive him. Please shower him with your blessings.” I don’t go to my spouse to say that I forgave because it’s not for him. In fact, sometimes he doesn’t even know he did something wrong! Once I’ve dealt with my hurt and forgiveness, I don’t always need to go to him and tell him all about it. Handling it with God is often enough.

Forgiving small

Is this easy? No. Do I feel God’s peace when I do this? Definitely. Especially in marriage. And the peace of God brings me peace of mind.

When I practice forgiving the little things, it becomes easier to forgive the bigger things. And that’s important for a happy marriage. I believe the grace of God helps me to forgive as He commands me to do.

When we hold onto our hurts they compound over time. That compounding hardens our heart toward our husband. The healthy marital relationship can’t be built on a hard heart. We need to be tender toward each other so our love can grow.

So make a deliberate decision to forgive today. Even if it’s just one small thing. A successful marriage is built on taking small steps of forgiving every day, even the insignificant things.

In this way you are beginning to water your marriage with the power of forgiveness. 💦

With love,

🌸 Andrea

PS If you need professional help forgiving something huge, please get help right away.

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