6 Rules for Fighting Fair in Your Christian Marriage

Conflict is inevitable in marriage and fighting fair is a key component to handling conflict well. Over the 31 years I’ve been married, my husband and I have experienced conflict over just about every topic you can think of: finances, in-laws, parenting, sex, vacations, decision making…and more. We have rules in place to guide our conflict, though, and we work through the conflict to a solution that makes both of us happy (win-win). It takes time and effort but it’s worth it!

Introduction

No marriage is conflict-free. But what separates strong marriages from struggling ones isn’t the absence of arguments—it’s how couples handle them. Conflict can be healthy if you know how to handle it with wisdom and grace.

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God’s Word on Conflict

Biblical principles help us to see that God understand anger. Ephesians 4:26 says, “In your anger, do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.” God knows we’ll feel anger—but He calls us to handle it with care and purpose.

This verse provides both a recognition of human emotion and a call to action. Anger, as a natural response, is not inherently sinful—it’s what we do with it that matters. When we harbor anger or act on it in harmful ways, we risk damaging relationships and stepping away from God’s will.

This Scripture encourages us to address conflict promptly and with a heart inclined toward reconciliation. Letting anger fester can lead to resentment and bitterness, creating a divide not just between spouses but also between us and God. By choosing to resolve tensions before the day ends, we create opportunities for healing and prevent misunderstandings from growing into larger issues.

Handling anger with care and purpose means approaching disagreements with humility and a desire for peace. It involves seeking God’s guidance in prayer, asking for wisdom to speak kindly and listen patiently, even when emotions run high. Through this, we reflect Christ’s love and extend grace to our partner, ensuring that moments of conflict become opportunities for growth rather than sources of division.

6 Rules for Fighting Fair

Ground rules for fighting fair are vital in any Christian marriage because they establish a framework for navigating the inevitable presence of conflict with grace and intention. Conflict resolution in a marriage requires hard work, but it also offers an opportunity to strengthen the relationship when approached in a healthy way. By agreeing on these rules, couples create a foundation where both partners can feel heard and respected, fostering an environment of trust and understanding.

Fighting fair isn’t about avoiding disagreements but rather about addressing them constructively. Ground rules help couples find common ground during difficult discussions, ensuring that even intense emotions don’t devolve into harmful behavior. This structured approach allows spouses to work through their differences in a manner that prioritizes their bond over the need to “win” the argument.

When followed consistently, these fair fighting rules contribute to a better marriage by encouraging patience, humility, and love during moments of tension. They remind couples that conflict doesn’t have to be destructive; instead, it can be a chance to grow closer as they tackle challenges side by side, guided by their faith and commitment.

Don’t aim to win—aim to understand

A good marriage isn’t a competition. It’s a partnership. When a Christian couple is experiencing conflict, they need to work together toward a solution. At its’ core, a conflict is simply when we have incompatible goals. The first step to resolving conflict is to understand what goal you want and what goal your spouse wants. Seek to understand first. When you do this you’ll move to find common ground.

Use “I” statements

Say how you feel without blaming. Example: “I felt hurt when…” instead of “You always…” I’ll admit this communication tactic feels strange when you first start using it. But it does make a difference. By owning our feelings, we take responsibility for them rather than laying responsibility for our feelings at our spouse’s feet. The key here is to know how we feel. Often we rush into a conversation with emotions running high without first evaluating what we are feeling and why. For instance, I might feel angry, but that’s not particularly helpful. Why am I feeling angry? Am I hurt? Frustrated? What happened to prompt that underlying feeling? Only by identifying these factors can we truly own how we feel.

Take breaks when emotions run high

Step away for a few minutes to pray or breathe. If we stay engaged when emotions are running high, we are bound to engage in an unfair fight.  If you do you’re bound to say mean things and make personal attacks. Conflict resolution depends on both parties thinking clearly. You can’t brainstorm and think about how to reach goals if you’re feeling overwhelmed by emotions. So take a 15-minute break. Grab a leash and a dog and take a walk. Go to your prayer chair and pray or read the Bible for a while. This is a great opportunity to focus on what God would have you say next in the conflict. You can take this time to focus on God’s perspective. Journal what you learn from this time.

Stick to one issue at a time

Don’t bring up old problems when discussing something new. This rule is very important. It’s most likely to occur in relationships where couples do not resolve conflicts. If you walk away from the conflict without coming to a resolution you both agree on, then the conflict is there, just waiting to come back up again. If you’re tempted to bring up an old conflict, just set it aside for another time. There will be a better time for you to bring up those past issues. Right now, focus on the issue at hand. Difficult conversations such as conflict can lead to a stronger marriage when they are focused and resolved in a way both parties agree on. Now is a good time to agree to stay in the current conflict and discuss old conflicts another time.

No name calling

Name calling sets the other person on edge and detracts from the issue at hand. Speak with love and call the person by name or by terms of endearment, even if you aren’t quite feeling it at the moment. Hurtful words help no one and only damage the marriage relationship.

End with grace

Even if you disagree, find a way to reaffirm your love and commitment. Work toward a solution you both agree on – that reaches goals for both of you. I’m a firm believe that with some brainstorming and creative thinking, nearly all conflict can be resolved win-win where both parties’ goals are reached fully. If you can’t do this on your own, consider finding a Christian counselor to help walk you through the process.

Conclusion

Conflict doesn’t have to divide your marriage. When handled with love, patience, and faith, it can actually strengthen your bond. Let God be your guide the next time tension rises—He’s the best counselor in the room.

Peace & Joy,

🌸 Andrea

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